Dear Cancer, Fuck You!

 This is going to be a longer post, and has been a long time coming.

Out of privacy concerns and respect, not a lot has been said publicly or on social media. Yesterday I got permission to post things, because it helps me get things out of my brain. I'm not making this post for pity or for sympathy, I just need to get things out of my head.

For the past few years, my father has been living with cancer. At first, from surgery and radiation, we thought he was cleared. But it came back. It's both invasive and aggressive. 

I say living with because those are his words, he's living and as long as he's living, he's fighting. 

We've all known that he's on a clock, but no one knows how much time is left on that clock. None of us are ready, no matter how much time, no matter how much you think you're prepared, there's no way to be ready. As a family that's our cross to bear.

Dad's very pragmatic, he's at peace with himself, he's at peace with this life and he's said that no matter how much time he has, be it 3 years or be it a day, he's led a rich and full life and has been loved more than he would have ever thought possible. He's the most amazing Dad, Husband, Brother, Uncle, Grandfather, Step Dad that anyone could ever know

He's been there for my all of my 42 years and I've tried my damndest to be there for him through all of this whenever he's needed me or whenever he's called. 

But now the clock is speeding up it seems and I've watched as the strongest man I've ever known has been taken from us by inches. A man who has literally carried me on his shoulders, I've now had to carry. To hear the anger in his voice when he said "I used to run marathons, now I can't walk five feet." broke my heart.

He's in hospital now, and although the fire is still in the eyes and his fighting spirit is still there, we've all seen the mask slip and know how tired he's getting. And as a family we're all helpless because there's nothing that any of us can do.

As I posted earlier, my 42 years isn't enough time. His 68 years isn't enough time. There never will be enough time. 

Dad I love you and I never want you to leave us, despite knowing that at some point you'll have to go.