Thursday, January 31, 2013

More Cave-esque good ranting

*Tap Tap* Attention. Attention.

You may have noticed a dramatic upswing in the temperatures in the province today. For that I'd like to say, "You're Welcome!" and also "Thank You."

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Diary of a Nitpicker


verb (used without object)
1. to be excessively concerned with or critical of inconsequential details.
verb (used with object)
2. to criticize by focusing on inconsequential details.
3. a carping, petty criticism.
4. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a nitpicker or nitpicking.

We're all guilty of it at some point or another, and it could be about anything. People have made a living at doing it online as movie/game/tv critics. I do it a fair bit on The Whostorian Podcast about various Doctor Who episodes. Most nitpicks are pretty simple, some are nagging or glaring problems, at least when perceived by the Nitpicker. Then there are some that just seem to sit and grate at you the more you think about them, or the more times that you watch/read/play the source material that led to observation of the nit that needed picking. It's one of these that I want to talk about.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Here I go again

*tap tap* Check 1-2. Check 1-2. Good

Ladies and Gentlemen, friends, potential test subjects, I've got good news and bad news.

Bad news is, the new weather control machine actually appears to be creating weather systems instead of preventing them, so we are getting snow tomorrow. Good news is, the old weather control machine is now making very tasty waffles. They're so light and fluffy, seriously these things are a joy to eat, with just a little syrup and a little bacon... anyway I digress.

Now as a precaution we have shut down the machine but the lab boys tell me that it's too late and that a system has formed and will be passing over us tomorrow. I'm taking a chance on trusting these guys because they are new, I fired the old lab team when they told me what was happening. They're gone. Not darkening my door anymore. Never work in this town again.

The new team says that this is a rogue system and is very unpredictable. They can't give me specific amounts, but they say anywhere from a light, festive dusting to enough to bury your houses. I don't worry about my house because it's a bunker. And it's underground so it's already buried.

I know this is short notice, but the plans remain the same as before. Grocery stores, empty 'em! Gas station reserves, drain 'em! Get your best looting outfits and tools ready to go just in case and feed the sled dogs!

As always, 25% of your assorted loot n' plunder comes directly to me, there will be automated collection bots dogging your every step until you give up the goods! Trust me, the best thing is to comply with them, they will cut you. To pieces. Without mercy. They don't have any cause they're robots.

I'll be watching the proceedings from my luxurious and heavily fortified bunker, just waiting for all that loot to start rollin' in. Good luck people! I'm rooting for you. Well some of you. Ok a couple of you and by you I mean me.

Oh one more thing for the ladies heading downtown tomorrow night, the standard dress code still stands! Tube tops, mini skirts and four inch stilettos are a must if you're going to get someone to take you home and help you prevent frostbite!

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Final Cave-esque snow commentary

**Is everything setup now? Even the hot tub and the hibachi? Good! What?... My microphone is on? When did you do...**

Greetings citizens! Steve Johnson here with a post Snowpocalypse update!

First of all, I can't thank you all enough for the mandatory contribution of your looted treasures. Thanks to your donations I was able to secure a new, state of the art bunker for myself to ride out the worst of this weather event!

Second, I'd like to apologize for the widespread and continued power interruptions, some of those may be my fault. Ok, all of it really. See the new bunker is out near Holyrood and apparently my power demands sorta shorted out the entire plant! Happened just after we fired up the new steam room/wet bar, oh well it's all fixed now. Lab boys tell me they've switched over to something called "geo-thermal energy." The way they explain it, we're sucking heat directly from the earth's core, which I admit sounds really technical, cool, but still technical.

We're now looking at a way to sell any and all surplus energy from the bunker to the government at a substantial markup from what it costs us to produce. I figure if they can do it to the public, I can do it to them!

Now although I do appreciate good looting, I do have to say that reading some news reports, I am severely disappointed in some of you. I've seen stories of assaults and robberies. People, people, people, you don't loot other people, you loot stores and companies and such. How are you supposed to sell off your surplus booty if you've been beating up on your prospective clientele?

So in closing, good job overall, we all pulled together and held up well through this hissy fit from Mother Nature. Lab Boys tell me there is a new weather control machine in place, hopefully this one won't melt down. Also, thanks again for the new bunker, I'll be able to do some good work here, I can feel it.

Oh, before I forget, be sure to watch ebay and that kiji-thingy site, I'll be selling off some of the surplus loot I received cause I just don't need it. I mean thirty seven pair of Lederhosen and two gimp suits? Some of you are really weird...

Thursday, January 10, 2013

More Cave Johnson inspired goodness!

*tap tap* Testing, testing. Good!


Alright people this is it. As of about 4:15 this afternoon, the weather control machine failed and the mother of all storms moved in and stalled over us. Lab boys tell me that the machine is toast, or only good now for making toast, something toasty... anyway the point is we have to dig in a take this storm seriously.

Now the airport is already closed and the ferries are tied up so there are officially no ways off the island. This is important because it directly affects any and all storm based looting that you are considering doing.

First thing to consider is looting transportation. You don't want to use a motor vehicle as the roads are obviously treacherous. You don't want to use an ATV or a Ski-doo as the engine noise will draw unwanted attention to your looting. The best things to use are snowshoes, skis and dogsleds, just be sure the dogs are wearing muzzles to minimize barking.

Secondly, don't carry more than you are capable of, you'll look ridiculous running on foot with three LCD TVs on your back and you'll tire quickly. This brings us back to transportation. You'll have a giant backpack if using snowshoes, you can drag a sled or container behind you if you are skiing and in the case of a dogsled, you can load that sucker down with almost anything.

Fourth... No wait! Thirdly! Use your radio/smartphone/computers to monitor power outages. These are the most important things to consider when looting, in fact this is now First! Read the rest of this and then go back and read the other two! You don't want to loot a place that has power because if the power is on then so are the security cameras and well, having your face or neon pink, fox racing ski-doo suit plastered all over the news later is going to put a damper on your enjoyment of the ill gotten booty.

Fourth, yes that's right now, fourth. 25% of all your looting gains come directly to me, Steve Johnson, so I can continue my research here at Styleature Science & Waffle-house. The Waffle idea is new, had to make budget somehow and that's why your contributions are mandatory!

In closing, Good Luck, God speed and remember, if you get arrested, I don't know you!

*The preceding is a parody and was meant as a joke commentary. I do not endorse looting or any illegal activities in any way*

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Chanelling Cave Johnson

*Tap Tap* This on? Ok...

My fellow Newfoundlanders and/or Labradorians, notably those of us on the Eastern side of the island, putting things bluntly, we're screwed. Someone, I'm not sure who yet, went and pissed off Mother Nature and now we're facing a Snowmageddon. Lab boys tell me that the weather control machine is nearing overload and we can only maintain clear skies into overnight tonight.

We trained for this in November people! Remember when we ran through a test of the Snowpocalypse emergency measures, well it's that time again. Now I've been out around and so far things are going well, a couple of grocery stores have been ransacked but we can do better!

By better I mean clean those shelves completely! Then line up at your nearest gas stations to empty their reserves as well! I will remind you though that we DO NOT need a repeat of November's water incident! Leave the water supply alone! I cannot stress enough that we cannot enjoy our ill gotten booty from looting during the storm if we can't flush a toilet.

All that being said, good luck people. I'll be watching it all from my well stocked and secured underground bunker, which by the way is not located in the South Side Hills... 

*covers mic* what's that? we don't have the bunker? well what do we have? two refrigerator boxes covered in a blanket and half buried in a sandbox? ...

*Ahem* Change in plans, due to major budget constraints, it looks like I'll be riding this one out with the rest of you... couldn't even get a proper cave... stupid boxes...