I am a victim

I never thought I'd type that title.

I've never been arrogant enough or foolish enough to believe that it would never happen to me. In my 37 years on this earth, I've worked a few jobs where it could have happened, pushing a Dickie Dee Ice Cream cart around Mount Pearl, working in a gas station, working in a little corner store. Never ever did it happen, and now it has.

Blindsided by a storm

**What the hell happened!? Where did this mess come from? What am I paying you eggheads for?

Actually, forget that last question, I'm not paying you. Now get working on a solution or in addition to not paying you, I'll be sending you on a tour of the lava pits!

Now, turn on the microphone, I've got to address things... what's that? It's on?! Why the hell didn't someone tell me!**

Another Stormy Monday

Friends, associates, future test subjects, I'd like to apologize for a couple of items. First of all, for the lateness of this warning post, lab boys assured me that this time we had the Mother Nature problem licked but apparently that's not quite accurate.

Also for the power conservation orders these past couple of weeks. That was my fault. Entirely. See when you hook up your vacuum cleaner to a parabolic reflector and bombard it with microwaves in a centrifuge, it doesn't actually generate power, instead it reverses the polarity of the energon flow and sends the excess back through the existing infrastructure and it blows a gasket or two... or thirty.

St. Paddy's Snowfall

*Tap Tap* This thing on? You still didn't put in that light to tell me if this is on or off you good for nothing… Oh! What?! Dammit not again!

*Ahem*

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, androgynous test subjects of all pay scales… We’re having a bit of a problem. See, the Weather Machine™ has been working like a dream. Yes it has been cold, but here on the East Coast at least, we haven’t had that bad a time of things as far as snow has gone. I haven’t been able to stop it all, but I have at least been able to convert it to rain most of the time and gotten rid of a lot of it.

The systematic elimination of fun

First fireworks and now sliding.

Ban sliding... What's next? No skating on ponds? No snowball fights? No building a snow fort?

More Cave-esque good ranting

*Tap Tap* Attention. Attention.

You may have noticed a dramatic upswing in the temperatures in the province today. For that I'd like to say, "You're Welcome!" and also "Thank You."

Here I go again

*tap tap* Check 1-2. Check 1-2. Good

Ladies and Gentlemen, friends, potential test subjects, I've got good news and bad news.

Bad news is, the new weather control machine actually appears to be creating weather systems instead of preventing them, so we are getting snow tomorrow. Good news is, the old weather control machine is now making very tasty waffles. They're so light and fluffy, seriously these things are a joy to eat, with just a little syrup and a little bacon... anyway I digress.

Now as a precaution we have shut down the machine but the lab boys tell me that it's too late and that a system has formed and will be passing over us tomorrow. I'm taking a chance on trusting these guys because they are new, I fired the old lab team when they told me what was happening. They're gone. Not darkening my door anymore. Never work in this town again.

The new team says that this is a rogue system and is very unpredictable. They can't give me specific amounts, but they say anywhere from a light, festive dusting to enough to bury your houses. I don't worry about my house because it's a bunker. And it's underground so it's already buried.

I know this is short notice, but the plans remain the same as before. Grocery stores, empty 'em! Gas station reserves, drain 'em! Get your best looting outfits and tools ready to go just in case and feed the sled dogs!

As always, 25% of your assorted loot n' plunder comes directly to me, there will be automated collection bots dogging your every step until you give up the goods! Trust me, the best thing is to comply with them, they will cut you. To pieces. Without mercy. They don't have any cause they're robots.

I'll be watching the proceedings from my luxurious and heavily fortified bunker, just waiting for all that loot to start rollin' in. Good luck people! I'm rooting for you. Well some of you. Ok a couple of you and by you I mean me.


Oh one more thing for the ladies heading downtown tomorrow night, the standard dress code still stands! Tube tops, mini skirts and four inch stilettos are a must if you're going to get someone to take you home and help you prevent frostbite!