Thursday, May 05, 2022

It Happened One Night (again)

 The first time was horrible, the second time felt strangely surreal. It had to happen again, it was just a matter of time. You work overnight and you have to expect it at some point and anyone who says they aren't is lying.

I got held up at work, for the second time.

It as a routine night, quiet and unremarkable as far as a night in a hotel goes. I was sitting at a table just minding my own business and a guy walked in off the street. Not uncommon in the middle of the night after the bars close. He came up to the desk and asked what time it was and I told him. 

Then he holds his hand up, and I'm not sure if he held a knife or a boxcutter I couldn't really tell, and said; "Give me all the money in the cash."

I told him; "There is no money, it's all locked away at night."

He says; "Give me your wallet."

I said; "There's no money in there either."

At that point he turned around and left, just like that. Gone into the night. As I dialed 911 I followed to see where he went but he took off faster than a speeding bullet because he was nowhere in sight.

Thinking it over and replaying it again, I'm still not sure that it happened because it was so fast. I'd almost start to mistrust my own memory except that the guy was caught, confessed and is in custody now.

It was all over in about 20 seconds and I really wasn't sure at first that it had happened. It was just so quick and nonchalant, we almost had a regular conversation except the whole threatening me with a weapon part. 

Even weirder, I'm alright. I mean that, I feel no different than I did before it happened. Maybe it's because this time I'm on anti anxiety medication, maybe it's because I have more coping mechanisms now after spending time with a psychiatrist the first time.

Maybe it's just waiting to hit me, I'll see in the coming days, but I'm ready for it. This time I have a head start, between the meds and access to an EAP, a super amazing manager who checks in and really, genuinely cares about my well being, and a system of family and friends in constant contact letting me know that I'm not alone and I need never feel alone, I'm ready for whatever comes looking for my brain.

This time I came back to work the next night, this time I was ready for a panic attack that never came. This time it was my choice to come back, I could have taken one or more days off if needed (I said my manager cares and I mean it.) This time there was no guilt trip to come back, no pressure to get me back behind the desk. This time it was for me if nothing else but to prove to myself that there is no "monster lurking in the dark" waiting to pounce at me.

I know that it's just a bit of bad luck on a bad night. I know that it could have happened to anyone and that I am not any specific target for crime. Shit happens and junkies are always looking for ways to get their next fix, that's speculation on my part as for his motivations. It's just random chance.

Will it happen again in future, who knows? Will it keep me in fear from working nights? No. Will it keep me from doing my job? No. Will it help my brain beat me? Hell no!

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