It Happened One Night (again)

 The first time was horrible, the second time felt strangely surreal. It had to happen again, it was just a matter of time. You work overnight and you have to expect it at some point and anyone who says they aren't is lying.

My Weight Loss and Health Update

Ok real talk here, so if you're tired of my health updates, I'm going to rehash a lot of ground in this update so you might want to skip this one.

Two years ago, I was ignorant of some pretty major things in my life. I was fat, huge, morbidly obese even and I was pretty unhealthy.

I've had a long history of knowing I was overweight, but I always found a way to reason it out. I could take stairs two at a time, I could move faster and more easily than a person my size should have been able to do, I didn't have any severe aches or pains, I had no trouble getting out of bed, or fitting into cars. I saw people daily who were bigger than me, so I wasn't bad off.

I ate shitty foods, I ate in huge amounts, it was a matter of pride that I could eat an average person's weight at a buffet. I picked up an order at Old Town Pizza one night and the counter girl saw the name on the order and said "You're Steve!" her voice filled with awe that I was real. Pretty sure I put the owners kids through college.

Then two things happened to change my world. 

Day One

This morning sucked.

The last two months sucked.

Let me explain.

For close on two years now, I've been on a mission to be active, eat healthy and lose weight. I've been doing well. From 398 lbs when I started, to 320 as of June 29th (July weigh in pending).  Progress has been slow and steady, with only one plateau so far. Then mid May I hit a wall.

5 years of Weathery Goodness

**My gods, this broadcast room is a mess. Dust everywhere, is that a cobweb or a spiderweb? Does the cleaning service ever come in here when I'm away? Well there's still power in here anyway, I can see one blinking light on the board... dammit!**

Boom go the Fireworks

So CBC ran a story about a St. John's City councilor who is taking a stance on Fireworks, to show his constituents that he's doing something. But he also said the City's hands are tied when it comes to the use of Fireworks.

Now I'm just an average idiot with access to Google to search things out and it only took me about five minutes to find the City of St. John's By Laws. You think a City Councilor would be able to look these up as well....

Weather Machine Blues

*tap tap* *pfffft*

This thing on? What the hell happened to the little light we had? Well change the freakin' blub for cryin' out loud! What am I paying you for any way? I'm not? Yes I am. Oh, I'm on? ... Dammit!

But What Does It Mean?

Now, for your viewing confusion, I present a list of things overheard this past weekend while at Atlanti-CON. There are no points of reference, no clarification and no explanation for anything said. It can all be taken Out of CONtext.

To quote a friend of mine; “Names have been kept the same to reflect the strange…”

I am a Victim update

Mental Health is a serious, fragile and funny thing. A weird statement I know but it's how I can sum things up right now.

Advanced Warning For Once!

*There! You see that. It's an "On Air" sign. Simple and effective, when it's off, I'm not broadcasting, when it's on, I'm live. Classic design, white background and red lettering. It all lights up nicely, see. Wait, it's been on this whole... dammit!*

Blindsided by a storm

**What the hell happened!? Where did this mess come from? What am I paying you eggheads for?

Actually, forget that last question, I'm not paying you. Now get working on a solution or in addition to not paying you, I'll be sending you on a tour of the lava pits!

Now, turn on the microphone, I've got to address things... what's that? It's on?! Why the hell didn't someone tell me!**

Another Stormy Monday

Friends, associates, future test subjects, I'd like to apologize for a couple of items. First of all, for the lateness of this warning post, lab boys assured me that this time we had the Mother Nature problem licked but apparently that's not quite accurate.

Also for the power conservation orders these past couple of weeks. That was my fault. Entirely. See when you hook up your vacuum cleaner to a parabolic reflector and bombard it with microwaves in a centrifuge, it doesn't actually generate power, instead it reverses the polarity of the energon flow and sends the excess back through the existing infrastructure and it blows a gasket or two... or thirty.

Short Notice, Big Warning

Attention, your attention please. Coming to you from his secured and totally secret bunker, here is our benevolent overlord with a very special statement. 

… got you techno-sycophants now! Light or no light, signal or no signal. I got this pre-recorded introduction now! All I have to do is wait for it to run out and then I start talking.  Take that you eggheads… what? It's over… dammit!

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, androgynous test subjects of all ages, you may have noticed some varying accumulations over the past week. Little snowfalls, nothing much to be concerned with, at least for you, my testing pool… I mean the general public.

For me and the old team here at The Bunker™ it means the start of a whole host of problems with The Weather Machine™. Well I say the old team but I really mean the new lab team. The old team are currently sunbathing by a lava pool, lousy so called college graduates.

Point is, we have to take The Weather Machine™ offline for repairs. The problem with that is there is a significant weather event bearing down on us as we speak. I cannot understate the potential level of snowmageddon that's approaching.

Now this leaves very little time this morning for the usual loot n’ plundering that I've come to expect and admire from you all. I know you'll give it your all and then you'll give most of your loot to my Collection Bots™. Also I cannot stress this enough, do not taunt the bots. Just give them my cut of the loot and back away slowly. I do not want to have to hire someone to spend the next week hosing out the bots “correctional chamber” because someone wanted to be a hero.

So get out to those sustenance distribution centres and fuel dispensaries, that's grocery stores and gas stations for the lay people, and empty ‘em! Clear those shelves! Drain those tanks! Remember, the more you get, the more I get!

Now if you'll excuse me, the loss of yet another let team is weighing heavily on me. I'll be receiving some much needed consoling in the harem’s grotto.

We're done here.

Brace Yourselves, A Storm's A Comin'

*Tap Tap*

Well I'll be damned! You guys actually got that little light working. It's so nice and orange and all glowy like... Wait that means... dammit not again!

*Ahem*

My fellow Newfoundlanders and Labradorians, to put things simply, we're screwed. The Weather Machine™ is in perfect working order, the problem isn't technological, it's magical. Gotta get some occult based lab people working on that, might need to do some hiring... but now, on to matters at hand.

A Fluffy Surprise

*Tap Tap*

*ffffffftt*

This thing on? It's been so long since we used this equipment I can't tell any more. Did anyone put that light in to tell me the mic is on or did you all slack off like a bunch of useless... What? Dammit!

Greetings family, friends and associated test subjects. It's been a while but I'm back.

Customer Service Burnout

I think that might be what I have starting. I've been in customer service, in some form or another for the better part of twenty one years. Do anything that long and a toll will build up, physically and/or mentally.

But what does it mean?

Now, for your viewing confusion, I present a list of things overheard this past weekend while at Atlanti-CON. There is no point of reference, no clarification and no explanation for anything said. It can all be taken Out of CONtext.

St. Paddy's Snowfall

*Tap Tap* This thing on? You still didn't put in that light to tell me if this is on or off you good for nothing… Oh! What?! Dammit not again!

*Ahem*

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, androgynous test subjects of all pay scales… We’re having a bit of a problem. See, the Weather Machine™ has been working like a dream. Yes it has been cold, but here on the East Coast at least, we haven’t had that bad a time of things as far as snow has gone. I haven’t been able to stop it all, but I have at least been able to convert it to rain most of the time and gotten rid of a lot of it.

Now a guide to what your Birthday really means

January - Jesus wasn't the only one who rose at Easter
February - The Jacuzzi suite on Mother's Day worked
March - on Father's Day, she remembered that Jacuzzi suite on Mother's Day
April - Fireworks weren't the only things that went off on Canada Day / Independence Day
May - Some games on Regatta Day lead to a prize (Newfoundland only, see local holidays and observances for your area)
June - Who knew that party on Labour Day would lead to Labour...
July - The Turkey wasn't the only thing stuffed on Thanksgiving (Canada)
August - Sometimes, slutty Halloween costumes work
September - Your parents had a Merry Christmas
October - They rang in the New Year with a bang
November - It was a Happy Valentine's Day
December - St. Patrick's Day was a blast

Now a mid storm update

*tap tap* *tap tap*

Attention! Attention! Could I have your attention please!

This is an update from the Bunker™

Now that the entire region is shut down, the collection bots are being deployed throughout the metro area to receive my cut of the looting you're no doubt doing at this very moment. Please don't resist them, it can get messy and it takes forever to hose them out.

Well, we're done for it seems...

*tap tap* This thing on? I don't know why I have to keep asking that, there should be an indicator, a sound or a light or something to tell me when the microphone is on. Why can't you eggheads invent that? Huh? What?! Well, why didn't you say it was on?