Monday, February 08, 2016

Another Stormy Monday

Friends, associates, future test subjects, I'd like to apologize for a couple of items. First of all, for the lateness of this warning post, lab boys assured me that this time we had the Mother Nature problem licked but apparently that's not quite accurate.

Also for the power conservation orders these past couple of weeks. That was my fault. Entirely. See when you hook up your vacuum cleaner to a parabolic reflector and bombard it with microwaves in a centrifuge, it doesn't actually generate power, instead it reverses the polarity of the energon flow and sends the excess back through the existing infrastructure and it blows a gasket or two... or thirty.

The end result, besides taking down the local power grid, is that the Weather Machine™ is currently offline. After the feedback was sorted out and the power surge tapered off, the last message the machine gave was "Screw this, you're on your own, humans." The Weather Machine™ Mark III is currently being developed. That's the last time I let some so called college graduate with a degree in theoretical computronics or whatever talk me into exploring artificial intelligence. Stupid, sulking hunk of waste of circuits, quit on me will you. I'll fix you, let's see how you like being a cuisinart!

That being said, we're facing a two pronged attack from Mother Nature and the rest of her rogues gallery of weathery miscreants. There are two storm fronts converging to wallop us in the next 24 hours and by us I of course mean you.

Now I know it's late and there's not much time left, we're in what they call the calm before the storm. But get out while you can and get as much food off those shelves as you can while you can. Fill up your car on the way to and from the stores just to get that extra drop of fuel. Get those fancy red containers and fill them whether or not you need them for a snowblower or a generator or grandma's wheelchair, just get as much as you can.

Now, if for some reason you find yourself stuck in the storm as the result of an accident or collision with other motorists and potential looters, don't worry. My Collection Bots™ will be out in force, collecting the wrecks for scrap metal and spare technology for me to use in upgrading the Bunker™ and new projects the lab boys are developing. Well, the new lab team... when they get hired... it's getting harder to get a decent lab tech than it is to get test subjects... must be the time of year... summer is always better, college graduates looking for any work they can get, even if it comes with a death waiver. Anyway I digress.

Now since the Collection Bots™ are also scrapping cars tonight, I'm also sending out the henchmen to assist in collecting the loot n' plunder tributes that you all normally just feed to my machines. I'll give the same warning that I give about the robots, do not taunt the henchmen, they are trained to kill. Messily. With or without a reason. Some may have chainsaws for arms, just something new we're trying out. Still trying to iron out how they're supposed to go to the bathroom now without hands... oh well, it'll sort itself out or I'll have an army of Eunuchs. Either way, we'll learn something from the experiment and that's what science is all about!

Now get out there and make me proud of all of you by making this the most successful storm pillaging this town has ever seen.

I'll be rooting for you as always, safely tucked away here in the Bunker™ that is in a secret location nowhere near Holyrood...

Now where'd I put that mimosa...

We're done here.

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