A storm's a comin'

What have you guys been doing? This place is a mess, where's the damn switch in here? You've all been throwing parties while I'm gone, but can't clean up? Peanut brittle, candycorn, panties, ... a traffic cone? Really? Where did that come from? Hey the light works now? Wait.. Dammit!

I'm back! Did you miss me?

Friends, Romans, Test Subjects, lend me your ears.... Ow! Who threw that? What was... wait was that actually your ear? How did you? Detachable? That's equal parts gross and amazing... can it re-attach? Get the lab boys working on that! There's money to be made here I'm sure of it!

Advanced Warning For Once!

*There! You see that. It's an "On Air" sign. Simple and effective, when it's off, I'm not broadcasting, when it's on, I'm live. Classic design, white background and red lettering. It all lights up nicely, see. Wait, it's been on this whole... dammit!*

Blindsided by a storm

**What the hell happened!? Where did this mess come from? What am I paying you eggheads for?

Actually, forget that last question, I'm not paying you. Now get working on a solution or in addition to not paying you, I'll be sending you on a tour of the lava pits!

Now, turn on the microphone, I've got to address things... what's that? It's on?! Why the hell didn't someone tell me!**

Another Stormy Monday

Friends, associates, future test subjects, I'd like to apologize for a couple of items. First of all, for the lateness of this warning post, lab boys assured me that this time we had the Mother Nature problem licked but apparently that's not quite accurate.

Also for the power conservation orders these past couple of weeks. That was my fault. Entirely. See when you hook up your vacuum cleaner to a parabolic reflector and bombard it with microwaves in a centrifuge, it doesn't actually generate power, instead it reverses the polarity of the energon flow and sends the excess back through the existing infrastructure and it blows a gasket or two... or thirty.

Lousy Mythical Adversaries

*tap  tap* *tap tap*

Yes I’m tapping the mic again, your stupid light isn’t working, it’s just blinking on and off and on and off… what? That means it’s working? What kind of moron makes a blinking light? It’s either ‘on’ for working or ‘off’ for not working, simple as that. Wait, so that means everyone can hear … dammit not again!

Brace Yourselves, A Storm's A Comin'

*Tap Tap*

Well I'll be damned! You guys actually got that little light working. It's so nice and orange and all glowy like... Wait that means... dammit not again!

*Ahem*

My fellow Newfoundlanders and Labradorians, to put things simply, we're screwed. The Weather Machine™ is in perfect working order, the problem isn't technological, it's magical. Gotta get some occult based lab people working on that, might need to do some hiring... but now, on to matters at hand.

A Fluffy Surprise

*Tap Tap*

*ffffffftt*

This thing on? It's been so long since we used this equipment I can't tell any more. Did anyone put that light in to tell me the mic is on or did you all slack off like a bunch of useless... What? Dammit!

Greetings family, friends and associated test subjects. It's been a while but I'm back.

St. Paddy's Snowfall

*Tap Tap* This thing on? You still didn't put in that light to tell me if this is on or off you good for nothing… Oh! What?! Dammit not again!

*Ahem*

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, androgynous test subjects of all pay scales… We’re having a bit of a problem. See, the Weather Machine™ has been working like a dream. Yes it has been cold, but here on the East Coast at least, we haven’t had that bad a time of things as far as snow has gone. I haven’t been able to stop it all, but I have at least been able to convert it to rain most of the time and gotten rid of a lot of it.

Well, we're done for it seems...

*tap tap* This thing on? I don't know why I have to keep asking that, there should be an indicator, a sound or a light or something to tell me when the microphone is on. Why can't you eggheads invent that? Huh? What?! Well, why didn't you say it was on?

I'm back and doesn't it feel good!

*Tap Tap* *Tap Tap*

 This thing on? 

 It's been a while since I've used this equipment, does it even still work? 

 Friends, Newfoundlanders, Test Subjects, lend me your ears!

 *splat*

 What the? Eww! Jeez, I didn't mean literally. You're fired mister! 

 Also, get someone from legal on patenting detachable ears!

Hi Ho! Hi Ho! To NaNo I will go

So last year I tried the NaNoWriMo challenge for the first time. It went pretty good for the first 8 days of November, then came my birthday. After a night or two of celebrations I fell behind on my writing and my word count and I never caught up again. Overall I loved the challenge and I saved my work so that I can come back to it later. I never finished NaNoWriMo but I enjoyed the challenge and the work that I did.

Travel Updates!

*Tap Tap*

Is this thing on? Testing One-Two, Testing!

*Ahem*

Ladies and Gentletestsubjects, it's good to be back!

You may have noticed my absence these past few weeks, I have been away on an adventure your mortal brains couldn't begin to comprehend! After fixing the issues from the last power failure, the Lab Boys discovered an impressive side effect and we had a breakthrough. What I mean by that is, shorting out the cyclotron caused an actual breakthrough to another dimension! Well, several actually, so naturally when the first sucker... I mean test pilot came back breathing I decided that the best person to see the potential wonders of another reality was me! For Science!

So I've been dimension jumping, leaping from place to place, hoping each time that the next leap, would be the leap home... Wait! That was the plot to Quantum Leap! No, I've been walking back and forth through dimensional gates as easy as a normal person walks through a door. It's kinda tingly actually, with a popcorn aftertaste for some reason... anyway! Point is, I've been away exploring and I've seen some amazing places. There's the land of perpetual Wednesday, got stuck there for a few days, didn't notice what was happening. Then there's the crazy melty land and the world without shrimp. Those are just the tip of the trans dimensional iceberg!

Speaking of ice and such, I see the Weather Control Machine™ is finally working right, at least over the capital city! That last weather event was a nasty one and had the potential to completely ruin last weekend, or so the report told me. As we discovered with Weather Control Machine 2.0™ we can't totally eliminate precipitation, but we can convert snow to rain to make it less of a hassle. Turns out there is some truth to cosmic karma after all... lousy balancing of nature... Lab Boys are working on that though.

So now that things are humming along nicely and seem to be under control, at least that's what Joey Knuckles tells me, I'm going to take a couple of months and keep exploring these new dimensions and claim them in my name! So many possibilities and so many versions of me to leave in charge! Yes there are other versions of myself and other versions of the Bunker© and even a few where there was no bunker! Well I couldn't have that, so there are now! None of them have made the dimensional breakthrough though, so I'm the link between it all and I'm willing to guide the other me's to it and share our technologies between us all. For Science!

I should be back in September or October with all sorts of new doodads and whatchamacallits to amaze and astound you all!

Until then, I'm Steve Johnson, we're done here!

Mid Week Tinkering

**Tap Tap**

Ladies and Gentlemen, friends, colleagues, assorted test subjects and minions.

I have to apologize for the drastic reversal of weather fortunes this morning. It seems Bruce, formally of the applied sciences department before I fired him this morning, was messing around with the Weather Control Machine 3.0 and ended up reversing the polarity of the neutron flow in the flux capacitor. At least I think that's what the egghead who replaced him said, it was technobabble. Might have been speaking Libyan for all I know... It's all Greek to me...

Anyway, don't panic, looting shouldn't be needed, though it is appreciated. I've got a team on this and we should have the parts replaced and things back under my control this afternoon. Tomorrow at the latest.

Some updates on the Weather Machine

**Tap Tap**

Could I have your attention please!?

All of you may have noticed the recent upswing in the temperature and overall weather lately. Some people call it "spring." I call it, Weather Control Machine 3.0 and it's the best one we've had yet, well since the last one blew up anyway. The first one is still making excellent waffles as well, have to market those things soon. We will as soon as the marketing team stop trying to remove their explosive collars and get back to work!

Anyway...

This week though has been a little wonky, sun one minute and snow the next. The new lab team have assured me that it's just the result of routine maintenance on the machine and that everything should be back to normal soon, or at least what I'm enforcing as my vision of normal. They wouldn't lie to me, they know that I control the button that would release the lab floor and drop them into the lava pit!

Part of this maintenance however means that we have to shut the machine down for a few hours. That will be done this evening but will only be for a few hours. In that time, there is every possibility of a "weather event" forming over us. Don't worry, it won't be too bad, though it will be a little breezy. We'll do our best to have things change to rain by the morning to clean things up a bit. By our best I of course mean the Lab team, their futures are riding on this and I know they won't let me down!

I've also heard some talk that the weather patterns were a result of something called "Sheila's Brush." Well I did some checking around The Bunker™ and found Sheila in the R&D Department. She'd been working on a pocket weather control device on company time! Well that won't be continuing as the so called "brush" has been destroyed and she's been fired! Personal work on my time? I don't think so! Also to show that I run an organization that believes in equality, I'm also firing Ronald from housekeeping, so there!

So in conclusion, the Weather Machine 3.0 is good, just needs some maintenance, we'll get some weather but it'll be sorted out in short order. Shouldn't even require the normal looting and plundering.

Oh and before I go I'd also like to congratulate Joey Knuckles beating seventeen other men to win the title of "Henchman of the Month!" Seriously, we locked 'em all in a cage and Joey beat all of them into comas! Good work!

Later!

That darn Weather Machine

**Tap Tap**

Check 1-2 Check 1-2

Someone once said "No good deed ever goes unpunished." Then I fired them! This bunker is no place for that kind of negativity! We're working on world changing technology here and there's no room for naysayers!

Now that I've got that off my chest, there's a problem with some of that world changing technology. Honestly, I don't know what it's going to take with this Weather Control Machine. Am I asking too much here really? I just want perfect temperate weather year round, not too cold and not so hot that I need air conditioning to sleep at night. I think that's fair, but apparently Mother Nature has some other ideas, just because we happen to be in the middle of the North Atlantic!

The second machine has been working near perfectly, up until now that is... It went down this morning faster than Blackberry's stock options. When I woke up I thought it had finally succeeded and we had the best and brightest sunrise I'd ever seen. Then I remembered, I'm underground and there are no windows! Turns out it was the light from one of the most spectacular explosions that the lab boys have ever seen. At least that's what the survivors said!

Not even the option to turn it into WaffleMate 2.0™ here people. It's a smouldering pile of rubble that's being pushed into the lava flow as we speak.

Now this presents a problem that we're all familiar with and we're ready to face at any time. That of course is "where to put all the groceries that I'm going to blindly buy." No, actually it means we're facing another Weather Event. This one is a doozy to, you know it's serious when I'm using the word doozy! This one is not your typical event either.

This is a big one. It's not the typical drive by style event, where we get a lot of snow in a short amount of time. No this thing is going to hang around and we're going  to get a decent amount of snow over a longer period of time. Seriously, this is going to feel longer than my third marriage and that felt like an eternity!

The residual effects of the Weather Machine will be felt for the rest of the day and into the evening, but then things are gonna degenerate quickly. So take the time you have left to overfill your gas tank with gas and your trunk, backseat, glove box with all the groceries you can carry. Then get more! After all, you could be stuck in your home for up to a day and that'll be terrible! Oh, and the Liquor Stores, we all need liquor!

When the looting starts, be on the lookout for the collection bots! Come to think of it, they're the most reliable things I've ever had invented for me! The standard 30% mandatory donation applies and I can't stress enough, don't taunt the bots! Seriously people, ground beef has more consistency than what these things leave behind!

As always, I'll be here cheering for you, and by that I mean me! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to do some quality checks in the harem!

A Message From Your Benafactor!

**Tap Tap**

Could I have everyone's attention for a few moments please, I have some announcements. You! The one in the kitchen wondering where my voice is coming from! Get your car key our of your ear and listen up!

I'd like to say that I am still blown away by the level of loot and by extension of that loot, the appreciation you people showed me during the last surprise "weather event." I can't thank you all enough and as a show of my gratitude, I've had the Lab Boys working overtime, tweaking the settings on the Weather Control Machine to try and eliminate the next "weather event."

There was some confusion all this past week as to how much of a dumping on we were going to get. The two weather outlets couldn't seem to agree with each other on their estimates. Now, don't be so quick to blame either of them for not being accurate, they could only go by the information I gave to each one of them! Yes, I had a little evil fun there, I admit it!

Good news though! We have succeeded in reducing what was supposed to happen today from an intense event to a light dusting, followed by some rain and drizzle later tonight. The Lab Boys even tell me that they might be able to coax a little more performance out of the machine to lessen things further and I believe them. Well, those that are still here. Their enthusiasm for it shot up after the first four of the team went into the lava pool. It's all about how you motivate your team!

Now, I have some notes of congratulations to pass along. I'd like to welcome aboard some new members to the Bunker's team.

First, please welcome our new Chief of Henchmen, Paddy Druken. You'll be working with my personal security guard, Joey "Knuckles" Washington, on overall Bunker security and training of new henchmen.

Second, please welcome our new Mistress of The Harem, KeiKei de Murre. You'll be in charge of all the Concubines and managing their day to day duties. From the performance in your interview, I know you can "whip" those ladies into shape in no time!

That's about it for now people, keep up the good looting and I'll keep working to make things better for us all. And by that I naturally mean Me!

Amazing, simply amazing!

**Tap Tap**
Testing! Testing! Check 1-2! Check 1-2!

Ok. Good.

People you never cease to amaze me. I asked for a little more recognition. I asked for a little more notice. I asked for more loot! I have to say that you all came through with flying colours!

It seemed like no sooner did I have all the collection bots out, that the first wave was coming back, brimming with all manner or things. Jewelery, electronics, appliances, furniture, clothing. Anything and everything a budding entrepreneur could want, they were bringing back to the bunker. I have to say if this is just 30% of what was collected, then we're all better off this morning.

Needless to say this show of support for our work here at the bunker, and more so me, did not fail to move me. Seriously. I'll be able to build a new office so I'll be moving into it soon. So just before midnight, before the "weather event" could get any worse, I turned the Weather Control Machine back on and the result was immediate. Temperatures rose and the snow turned over to rain. That eased things up a bit and cut down on what was already on the ground.

Bottom line, good work people, you've restored some of my faith in humanity! The testing we do here at the bunker will confirm the rest. As soon as we rustle up a few more test subjects... stupid homeless shelters telling me I can't recruit there anymore. It's not my fault only one in ten volunteers come back! Science is a fickle mistress... anyway!

For now we've got the Weather Control Machine, that can always use some tweaking. We've got that machine for erasing people from existence, that's been fun at parties, especially when we use it on the guest of honour and then have no idea who the party is for but we keep it going anyway! But there's more that we can and will be doing to improve the quality of life for all... and by "all" I mean me!

Now Hear This!

** Tap Tap **

Y'know people I've been thinking. We're trying to do some good work out here at the bunker and it seems to go without any real notice. I've been trying with my announcements to bring attention to the Weather Control Machine and it's potential to improve life on this planet, mainly mine!

All this work by the lab boys that goes unnoticed by the public. The hard work of people like Gary in HR... no wait, I fired him! Okay like Stan in Account... nope, fired him too! Well I know who they are and that's the important thing really! As long as the rest of you can recognize the work I'm spearheading, the rest can bask in the residual adoration that radiates from me!

Now, to show you all the importance of the Weather Control Machine and the work here at the bunker... I'm going to turn the machine off! That's right, I'm shutting it down this afternoon! Protocols are already running and it's going offline as we speak! So there!

No advance warning, no time to prepare, there's a Weather Event brewing and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it now! HaHa! Those milder temperatures we were able to fight back the last event with? Gone! The clearer skies and brighter days? Darkened! You'd better get moving, not much time to get to those grocery stores, liquor stores and gas stations! You'll have to survive on the supplies you no doubt have in your homes already!

Don't worry too much, I'm not completely cruel and unfeeling, well I mostly am but I can be swayed. I'll be sending out the collection bots as per usual to gather your required looting contributions and if they are sufficient enough, I might just turn the Weather Control Machine back on. But people that's a big "if" right now.

Now with that being said, on to other matters. Henchmen! All applicants should have now received their test packets and you have just one week to complete the tasks/beatings/assassinations outlined. If you don't then you will be eliminated! Entirely. From time. I'm not kidding, lab boys have a device that will erase you from history. Neat little thing really. I can't remember who's been erased already, but then that's the point!

All those who sent in videos for the Concubine application, I'll be in touch about in person interviews with those of you who made the grades. Those who didn't, please enjoy the complimentary fruit baskets that were sent out.

That's about it. Get moving people cause here comes the snow!

Present storm conclusion

**Tap Tap**

Ladies & Gentlemen, Friends, Future Test Subjects, we made it through another one. By we I of course mean you because I've been safe and sound as usual.

By the way, you can thank me and the lab boys for the sudden mild upswing in the temperature. Mid storm they were able to get the Weather Control Machine working again and voila, that snow turned to rain before the things could get completely buried. The Machine is humming nicely and we should be able to keep this up for a couple of days at least.

As always, you're continued and mandatory looting contributions are appreciated, we've collected enough this time to give the lab boys a bonus and expand the BBQ pit, can fit a whole pig in there now!

Also, I have to acknowledge the work put in by Stan in the accounting department, he was the one who came up with the 5% increase on your loot n' plunder. He's got a sharp mind there! Good  ambitions, that was management level thinking. He'll go places... just not here. There's only room for one man in charge around here and that's me! Stan, you're fired!

There, now that's out of the way I've got important things to get to, that pig needs basting and tasting. Oh and before I go, I've got the henchman's list narrowed down and I'm almost ready to start interviews. Those who applied for the Concubine positions, I'll be reviewing your audition tapes this week! Looking forward to that!

Until the next storm, I'll be watching!