For the future of Science!

**Yes, yes I’m going to tell them now. No! I’m not changing my mind about this, it has to be done for the greater good! (echo: the greater good) Now cut that out! I swear if you eggheads spent as much time actually doing work around here as you do watching movies, I’d have a studio setup that worked flawlessly and this light would be reliable! What? It’s on? Dammit not again! **

A storm's a comin'

What have you guys been doing? This place is a mess, where's the damn switch in here? You've all been throwing parties while I'm gone, but can't clean up? Peanut brittle, candycorn, panties, ... a traffic cone? Really? Where did that come from? Hey the light works now? Wait.. Dammit!

Weather Machine Blues

*tap tap* *pfffft*

This thing on? What the hell happened to the little light we had? Well change the freakin' blub for cryin' out loud! What am I paying you for any way? I'm not? Yes I am. Oh, I'm on? ... Dammit!

Advanced Warning For Once!

*There! You see that. It's an "On Air" sign. Simple and effective, when it's off, I'm not broadcasting, when it's on, I'm live. Classic design, white background and red lettering. It all lights up nicely, see. Wait, it's been on this whole... dammit!*

Lousy Mythical Adversaries

*tap  tap* *tap tap*

Yes I’m tapping the mic again, your stupid light isn’t working, it’s just blinking on and off and on and off… what? That means it’s working? What kind of moron makes a blinking light? It’s either ‘on’ for working or ‘off’ for not working, simple as that. Wait, so that means everyone can hear … dammit not again!

Short Notice, Big Warning

Attention, your attention please. Coming to you from his secured and totally secret bunker, here is our benevolent overlord with a very special statement. 

… got you techno-sycophants now! Light or no light, signal or no signal. I got this pre-recorded introduction now! All I have to do is wait for it to run out and then I start talking.  Take that you eggheads… what? It's over… dammit!

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, androgynous test subjects of all ages, you may have noticed some varying accumulations over the past week. Little snowfalls, nothing much to be concerned with, at least for you, my testing pool… I mean the general public.

For me and the old team here at The Bunker™ it means the start of a whole host of problems with The Weather Machine™. Well I say the old team but I really mean the new lab team. The old team are currently sunbathing by a lava pool, lousy so called college graduates.

Point is, we have to take The Weather Machine™ offline for repairs. The problem with that is there is a significant weather event bearing down on us as we speak. I cannot understate the potential level of snowmageddon that's approaching.

Now this leaves very little time this morning for the usual loot n’ plundering that I've come to expect and admire from you all. I know you'll give it your all and then you'll give most of your loot to my Collection Bots™. Also I cannot stress this enough, do not taunt the bots. Just give them my cut of the loot and back away slowly. I do not want to have to hire someone to spend the next week hosing out the bots “correctional chamber” because someone wanted to be a hero.

So get out to those sustenance distribution centres and fuel dispensaries, that's grocery stores and gas stations for the lay people, and empty ‘em! Clear those shelves! Drain those tanks! Remember, the more you get, the more I get!

Now if you'll excuse me, the loss of yet another let team is weighing heavily on me. I'll be receiving some much needed consoling in the harem’s grotto.

We're done here.

St. Paddy's Snowfall

*Tap Tap* This thing on? You still didn't put in that light to tell me if this is on or off you good for nothing… Oh! What?! Dammit not again!

*Ahem*

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, androgynous test subjects of all pay scales… We’re having a bit of a problem. See, the Weather Machine™ has been working like a dream. Yes it has been cold, but here on the East Coast at least, we haven’t had that bad a time of things as far as snow has gone. I haven’t been able to stop it all, but I have at least been able to convert it to rain most of the time and gotten rid of a lot of it.

Now a mid storm update

*tap tap* *tap tap*

Attention! Attention! Could I have your attention please!

This is an update from the Bunker™

Now that the entire region is shut down, the collection bots are being deployed throughout the metro area to receive my cut of the looting you're no doubt doing at this very moment. Please don't resist them, it can get messy and it takes forever to hose them out.

Well, we're done for it seems...

*tap tap* This thing on? I don't know why I have to keep asking that, there should be an indicator, a sound or a light or something to tell me when the microphone is on. Why can't you eggheads invent that? Huh? What?! Well, why didn't you say it was on?

I'm back and doesn't it feel good!

*Tap Tap* *Tap Tap*

 This thing on? 

 It's been a while since I've used this equipment, does it even still work? 

 Friends, Newfoundlanders, Test Subjects, lend me your ears!

 *splat*

 What the? Eww! Jeez, I didn't mean literally. You're fired mister! 

 Also, get someone from legal on patenting detachable ears!

Amazing, simply amazing!

**Tap Tap**
Testing! Testing! Check 1-2! Check 1-2!

Ok. Good.

People you never cease to amaze me. I asked for a little more recognition. I asked for a little more notice. I asked for more loot! I have to say that you all came through with flying colours!

It seemed like no sooner did I have all the collection bots out, that the first wave was coming back, brimming with all manner or things. Jewelery, electronics, appliances, furniture, clothing. Anything and everything a budding entrepreneur could want, they were bringing back to the bunker. I have to say if this is just 30% of what was collected, then we're all better off this morning.

Needless to say this show of support for our work here at the bunker, and more so me, did not fail to move me. Seriously. I'll be able to build a new office so I'll be moving into it soon. So just before midnight, before the "weather event" could get any worse, I turned the Weather Control Machine back on and the result was immediate. Temperatures rose and the snow turned over to rain. That eased things up a bit and cut down on what was already on the ground.

Bottom line, good work people, you've restored some of my faith in humanity! The testing we do here at the bunker will confirm the rest. As soon as we rustle up a few more test subjects... stupid homeless shelters telling me I can't recruit there anymore. It's not my fault only one in ten volunteers come back! Science is a fickle mistress... anyway!

For now we've got the Weather Control Machine, that can always use some tweaking. We've got that machine for erasing people from existence, that's been fun at parties, especially when we use it on the guest of honour and then have no idea who the party is for but we keep it going anyway! But there's more that we can and will be doing to improve the quality of life for all... and by "all" I mean me!

The Original Storm Rants

November 28th, 2012

For those of you who haven't looked out your nearest window, porthole, portal or magic viewing globe yet, it's snowing. Now you all know what to do but I'm going to go over the basics just as a reminder.

You are to proceed to the nearest gas station and grocery stores (which one first is up to you) and then fill up your car and buy everything on the shelves that you can carry! After all, we're potentially getting 10cms here, that's an Armageddon waiting to happen and we can't let the world end with fully stocked grocery stores and only a half tank of gas.

Oh and for those ladies choosing to celebrate this snow by going downtown, the normal dress code of a too-short skirt and tank/tube top is still in effect, no matter the temperature or snowfall accumulation.

November 28th, 2012

*tap* *tap* This thing on?

Steve here again, looks like we got a tad more snow than expected, lab boys tell me the new weather control machine is working better than they expected. In this case I'm not sure that overachieving was something to be proud of, but they tell me it's a good thing.

Now, that being said, I also have a report that although accidents are up, panic and general looting are at an all time low. Come on people! We can't have a proper snowpocalypse without some good old fashioned looting. I blame myself really. Actually no, I blame Gary, that new kid in the PR department. He's now fired. You hear me mister? Yes, you. Fired. Box. Your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye.

Oh well, call this a test run and chalk it up as experience. We'll have to try and do better next time.

For those ladies still heading downtown, you'll want to add a pair of stilettos that you can barely walk in to the standard outfit mentioned earlier.

and finally, the lab boys tell me that you just lost the game.

November 29th, 2012
Steve here again

Now I know yesterday we ran through a test of the Snowpocalypse emergency measures and the gas and grocery hoarding went well, but now we have a problem. As per that guy Gary from PR's request, who I fired I might add, I complained that there was a severe lack of looting and some of you took a unique approach to improve the numbers.

People, when you're looting and pillaging you never want to damage your water supply. It makes things worse for everyone. We can't enjoy our ill gotten booty if we can't shower or flush a toilet. Granted I know there are a lot of uber-nerd shut ins out there who will debate the need for showering, but those basement dwellers are wrong. Just because you don't leave the couch, there's no reason to stink out the room with B.O. I'd fire 'em all if I could, but they don't work for me, though I'm always in need of test subjects. I'll have to remember that for later.

Anyway, the main point is, conserve the water you currently have until this fiasco is fixed. The Lab boys tell me they are working on a way to suck the moisture from ducks as an alternate emergency water source, but there are only so many ducks to go around.

And remember, this was all that guy Gary's fault. Whom I fired. Yesterday.

Your Overlord demands your attention!

**Tap Tap**

Ahem... Can I have your attention please.

People I've been trying, I really have. Now I know that you think all I do is lounge around all day in my bunker, enjoying the sauna, the hot tub, the 24 hour all you can eat BBQ pit, movie theatre, bowling alley and fully licensed casino. Well... you're right, I do! I also set aside time to frolic in my money pit! Yes I have an actual swimming pool filled with money!

But aside from all that, we actually do serious, scientific work out here for the betterment of mankind! and by "mankind" I of course mean me! But ever since we set out to bend mother nature to our will with the Weather Control Machine, the only consistent results I've seen is a migraine! Oh and the most delicious waffles I have ever tasted.

Now the good news so far has been that the Lab Boys were able to coax enough life out of the machine that the last weather event was reduced in intensity, the only thing we couldn't correct were the winds. The bad news is that all the fiddling and bypassing we've had to do has left he machine as a shattered wreck. Seriously, it's lit up like a Christmas Tree and sounds like a Pinball Machine on Tilt! Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure parts of it started out in a Pinball Machine... lousy Acme catalogue...

Anyway, point is we're now facing another "Weather event" as I have come to term them. Actually it was two events but it looks like our attempts to stop them has actually merged two storm fronts into one. Bottom line, we're gonna get hit and hit hard! Of course by "we" I mean you people, because I'll still be safely tucked away here in my bunker!

Now, we have managed to get the machine to give us some decent weather for the rest of today for your pre-storm pillaging. Those grocery stores and gas stations aren't going to empty themselves people! Oh and the liquor stores, I can't stress the importance of the liquor stores enough!

The collection bots will be making their usual rounds, though due to rising repair costs for the weather machines, I've had to increase your mandatory looting donations to 30%. I know it's a bit of a hike but it's needed if I'm going to add on that loung... I mean get that new machine built! For Science!

Before I forget, ladies there has been a change made to the dress code for those of you heading downtown tomorrow night. Because of impending snow piles and drifts, the usual stilettos have been replaced with knee high or above boots to protect your legs, providing of course the heel is still 4-6 inches on those puppies.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go meet the new lab team. Those of you who applied for the Henchmen positions, I'm still going over applications and calling references, the ones you say survived!

Final Cave-esque snow commentary

**Is everything setup now? Even the hot tub and the hibachi? Good! What?... My microphone is on? When did you do...**

Greetings citizens! Steve Johnson here with a post Snowpocalypse update!

First of all, I can't thank you all enough for the mandatory contribution of your looted treasures. Thanks to your donations I was able to secure a new, state of the art bunker for myself to ride out the worst of this weather event!

Second, I'd like to apologize for the widespread and continued power interruptions, some of those may be my fault. Ok, all of it really. See the new bunker is out near Holyrood and apparently my power demands sorta shorted out the entire plant! Happened just after we fired up the new steam room/wet bar, oh well it's all fixed now. Lab boys tell me they've switched over to something called "geo-thermal energy." The way they explain it, we're sucking heat directly from the earth's core, which I admit sounds really technical, cool, but still technical.

We're now looking at a way to sell any and all surplus energy from the bunker to the government at a substantial markup from what it costs us to produce. I figure if they can do it to the public, I can do it to them!

Now although I do appreciate good looting, I do have to say that reading some news reports, I am severely disappointed in some of you. I've seen stories of assaults and robberies. People, people, people, you don't loot other people, you loot stores and companies and such. How are you supposed to sell off your surplus booty if you've been beating up on your prospective clientele?

So in closing, good job overall, we all pulled together and held up well through this hissy fit from Mother Nature. Lab Boys tell me there is a new weather control machine in place, hopefully this one won't melt down. Also, thanks again for the new bunker, I'll be able to do some good work here, I can feel it.

Oh, before I forget, be sure to watch ebay and that kiji-thingy site, I'll be selling off some of the surplus loot I received cause I just don't need it. I mean thirty seven pair of Lederhosen and two gimp suits? Some of you are really weird...

More Cave Johnson inspired goodness!

*tap tap* Testing, testing. Good!

Ahem!

Alright people this is it. As of about 4:15 this afternoon, the weather control machine failed and the mother of all storms moved in and stalled over us. Lab boys tell me that the machine is toast, or only good now for making toast, something toasty... anyway the point is we have to dig in a take this storm seriously.

Now the airport is already closed and the ferries are tied up so there are officially no ways off the island. This is important because it directly affects any and all storm based looting that you are considering doing.

First thing to consider is looting transportation. You don't want to use a motor vehicle as the roads are obviously treacherous. You don't want to use an ATV or a Ski-doo as the engine noise will draw unwanted attention to your looting. The best things to use are snowshoes, skis and dogsleds, just be sure the dogs are wearing muzzles to minimize barking.

Secondly, don't carry more than you are capable of, you'll look ridiculous running on foot with three LCD TVs on your back and you'll tire quickly. This brings us back to transportation. You'll have a giant backpack if using snowshoes, you can drag a sled or container behind you if you are skiing and in the case of a dogsled, you can load that sucker down with almost anything.

Fourth... No wait! Thirdly! Use your radio/smartphone/computers to monitor power outages. These are the most important things to consider when looting, in fact this is now First! Read the rest of this and then go back and read the other two! You don't want to loot a place that has power because if the power is on then so are the security cameras and well, having your face or neon pink, fox racing ski-doo suit plastered all over the news later is going to put a damper on your enjoyment of the ill gotten booty.

Fourth, yes that's right now, fourth. 25% of all your looting gains come directly to me, Steve Johnson, so I can continue my research here at Styleature Science & Waffle-house. The Waffle idea is new, had to make budget somehow and that's why your contributions are mandatory!

In closing, Good Luck, God speed and remember, if you get arrested, I don't know you!




*The preceding is a parody and was meant as a joke commentary. I do not endorse looting or any illegal activities in any way*

Chanelling Cave Johnson

*Tap Tap* This on? Ok...

My fellow Newfoundlanders and/or Labradorians, notably those of us on the Eastern side of the island, putting things bluntly, we're screwed. Someone, I'm not sure who yet, went and pissed off Mother Nature and now we're facing a Snowmageddon. Lab boys tell me that the weather control machine is nearing overload and we can only maintain clear skies into overnight tonight.

We trained for this in November people! Remember when we ran through a test of the Snowpocalypse emergency measures, well it's that time again. Now I've been out around and so far things are going well, a couple of grocery stores have been ransacked but we can do better!

By better I mean clean those shelves completely! Then line up at your nearest gas stations to empty their reserves as well! I will remind you though that we DO NOT need a repeat of November's water incident! Leave the water supply alone! I cannot stress enough that we cannot enjoy our ill gotten booty from looting during the storm if we can't flush a toilet.

All that being said, good luck people. I'll be watching it all from my well stocked and secured underground bunker, which by the way is not located in the South Side Hills... 

*covers mic* what's that? we don't have the bunker? well what do we have? two refrigerator boxes covered in a blanket and half buried in a sandbox? ...

*Ahem* Change in plans, due to major budget constraints, it looks like I'll be riding this one out with the rest of you... couldn't even get a proper cave... stupid boxes...