Ladies, Gentlemen, future test subjects, we have a problem. I just finished reading the news stories about the census you all filled out for the government, and frankly, I’m disappointed. Our population is on the decline, more people are moving away than are being born. Do you have any idea what this means?! In 20 to 30 years, I’ll be out of fresh test subjects! Then where will we be? The wheels of Science will grind to a halt! Research into Sciencey stuff will be put on hold!
We can’t go back to animal testing, the bleeding hearts out there won’t let us put a gerbil in jeopardy, so we use voluntary human test subjects, and you’re putting all of that in danger!
So here’s what’s going to happen. I’m reversing the polarity of the neutron flow on the Weather Machine™! What was designed to keep weather at bay will now generate the biggest weather event you’ve ever seen! Get ready, because all safeguards and bets are off!
You might be asking; “Are you mad?” and “Why are you doing this?” The answers are; “Just a little bit” and “because it’s my civil and patriotic duty.” Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, a celebration of romance and couples and little guys dressed in tutus, carrying crossbows… well maybe not that third one so much… point is, what better way to cause an increase in the population than by causing a situation where all those couples are forced to be trapped in their homes with nothing better to do but copulate?
So we’ve got one mother of a storm brewing and bearing down on the Atlantic region and by my calculations, that means in November we’ll have one hell of a population explosion to help reverse this problem of dropping numbers.
Get out to those grocery stores, gas stations and liquor stores while you can, and pay extra attention to the chocolate and greeting cards. The Collection Bots™ will be out in force but I don’t expect them to get much since you’ll all be inside mating like bunnies trapped in an underground warren.
We’re doing this for the future of Science, people. Now get busy getting busy!
We're done here!