Wednesday, February 20, 2013

That darn Weather Machine

**Tap Tap**

Check 1-2 Check 1-2

Someone once said "No good deed ever goes unpunished." Then I fired them! This bunker is no place for that kind of negativity! We're working on world changing technology here and there's no room for naysayers!

Now that I've got that off my chest, there's a problem with some of that world changing technology. Honestly, I don't know what it's going to take with this Weather Control Machine. Am I asking too much here really? I just want perfect temperate weather year round, not too cold and not so hot that I need air conditioning to sleep at night. I think that's fair, but apparently Mother Nature has some other ideas, just because we happen to be in the middle of the North Atlantic!

The second machine has been working near perfectly, up until now that is... It went down this morning faster than Blackberry's stock options. When I woke up I thought it had finally succeeded and we had the best and brightest sunrise I'd ever seen. Then I remembered, I'm underground and there are no windows! Turns out it was the light from one of the most spectacular explosions that the lab boys have ever seen. At least that's what the survivors said!

Not even the option to turn it into WaffleMate 2.0™ here people. It's a smouldering pile of rubble that's being pushed into the lava flow as we speak.

Now this presents a problem that we're all familiar with and we're ready to face at any time. That of course is "where to put all the groceries that I'm going to blindly buy." No, actually it means we're facing another Weather Event. This one is a doozy to, you know it's serious when I'm using the word doozy! This one is not your typical event either.

This is a big one. It's not the typical drive by style event, where we get a lot of snow in a short amount of time. No this thing is going to hang around and we're going  to get a decent amount of snow over a longer period of time. Seriously, this is going to feel longer than my third marriage and that felt like an eternity!

The residual effects of the Weather Machine will be felt for the rest of the day and into the evening, but then things are gonna degenerate quickly. So take the time you have left to overfill your gas tank with gas and your trunk, backseat, glove box with all the groceries you can carry. Then get more! After all, you could be stuck in your home for up to a day and that'll be terrible! Oh, and the Liquor Stores, we all need liquor!

When the looting starts, be on the lookout for the collection bots! Come to think of it, they're the most reliable things I've ever had invented for me! The standard 30% mandatory donation applies and I can't stress enough, don't taunt the bots! Seriously people, ground beef has more consistency than what these things leave behind!

As always, I'll be here cheering for you, and by that I mean me! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to do some quality checks in the harem!

Sunday, February 17, 2013

A Message From Your Benafactor!

**Tap Tap**

Could I have everyone's attention for a few moments please, I have some announcements. You! The one in the kitchen wondering where my voice is coming from! Get your car key our of your ear and listen up!

I'd like to say that I am still blown away by the level of loot and by extension of that loot, the appreciation you people showed me during the last surprise "weather event." I can't thank you all enough and as a show of my gratitude, I've had the Lab Boys working overtime, tweaking the settings on the Weather Control Machine to try and eliminate the next "weather event."

There was some confusion all this past week as to how much of a dumping on we were going to get. The two weather outlets couldn't seem to agree with each other on their estimates. Now, don't be so quick to blame either of them for not being accurate, they could only go by the information I gave to each one of them! Yes, I had a little evil fun there, I admit it!

Good news though! We have succeeded in reducing what was supposed to happen today from an intense event to a light dusting, followed by some rain and drizzle later tonight. The Lab Boys even tell me that they might be able to coax a little more performance out of the machine to lessen things further and I believe them. Well, those that are still here. Their enthusiasm for it shot up after the first four of the team went into the lava pool. It's all about how you motivate your team!

Now, I have some notes of congratulations to pass along. I'd like to welcome aboard some new members to the Bunker's team.

First, please welcome our new Chief of Henchmen, Paddy Druken. You'll be working with my personal security guard, Joey "Knuckles" Washington, on overall Bunker security and training of new henchmen.

Second, please welcome our new Mistress of The Harem, KeiKei de Murre. You'll be in charge of all the Concubines and managing their day to day duties. From the performance in your interview, I know you can "whip" those ladies into shape in no time!

That's about it for now people, keep up the good looting and I'll keep working to make things better for us all. And by that I naturally mean Me!

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Customer Disservice Part Deux: The McRant

I don't eat take out much anymore. Maybe once or twice a week I will treat myself to something. But sometimes you just get a craving, y'know?

Tonight was one of those nights. I work overnights so I live a reverse day. Evening is my morning, Midnight I get to work, 4am is lunchtime, and so on. Tonight I really wanted a burger, some fries, no big. Just a little grease as a treat for my lunch.  That being the case I paid a call on one of my local McDonald's restaurants, since they are the only burger joint in St. John's open 24 hours.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Amazing, simply amazing!

**Tap Tap**
Testing! Testing! Check 1-2! Check 1-2!

Ok. Good.

People you never cease to amaze me. I asked for a little more recognition. I asked for a little more notice. I asked for more loot! I have to say that you all came through with flying colours!

It seemed like no sooner did I have all the collection bots out, that the first wave was coming back, brimming with all manner or things. Jewelery, electronics, appliances, furniture, clothing. Anything and everything a budding entrepreneur could want, they were bringing back to the bunker. I have to say if this is just 30% of what was collected, then we're all better off this morning.

Needless to say this show of support for our work here at the bunker, and more so me, did not fail to move me. Seriously. I'll be able to build a new office so I'll be moving into it soon. So just before midnight, before the "weather event" could get any worse, I turned the Weather Control Machine back on and the result was immediate. Temperatures rose and the snow turned over to rain. That eased things up a bit and cut down on what was already on the ground.

Bottom line, good work people, you've restored some of my faith in humanity! The testing we do here at the bunker will confirm the rest. As soon as we rustle up a few more test subjects... stupid homeless shelters telling me I can't recruit there anymore. It's not my fault only one in ten volunteers come back! Science is a fickle mistress... anyway!

For now we've got the Weather Control Machine, that can always use some tweaking. We've got that machine for erasing people from existence, that's been fun at parties, especially when we use it on the guest of honour and then have no idea who the party is for but we keep it going anyway! But there's more that we can and will be doing to improve the quality of life for all... and by "all" I mean me!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Now Hear This!

** Tap Tap **

Y'know people I've been thinking. We're trying to do some good work out here at the bunker and it seems to go without any real notice. I've been trying with my announcements to bring attention to the Weather Control Machine and it's potential to improve life on this planet, mainly mine!

All this work by the lab boys that goes unnoticed by the public. The hard work of people like Gary in HR... no wait, I fired him! Okay like Stan in Account... nope, fired him too! Well I know who they are and that's the important thing really! As long as the rest of you can recognize the work I'm spearheading, the rest can bask in the residual adoration that radiates from me!

Now, to show you all the importance of the Weather Control Machine and the work here at the bunker... I'm going to turn the machine off! That's right, I'm shutting it down this afternoon! Protocols are already running and it's going offline as we speak! So there!

No advance warning, no time to prepare, there's a Weather Event brewing and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it now! HaHa! Those milder temperatures we were able to fight back the last event with? Gone! The clearer skies and brighter days? Darkened! You'd better get moving, not much time to get to those grocery stores, liquor stores and gas stations! You'll have to survive on the supplies you no doubt have in your homes already!

Don't worry too much, I'm not completely cruel and unfeeling, well I mostly am but I can be swayed. I'll be sending out the collection bots as per usual to gather your required looting contributions and if they are sufficient enough, I might just turn the Weather Control Machine back on. But people that's a big "if" right now.

Now with that being said, on to other matters. Henchmen! All applicants should have now received their test packets and you have just one week to complete the tasks/beatings/assassinations outlined. If you don't then you will be eliminated! Entirely. From time. I'm not kidding, lab boys have a device that will erase you from history. Neat little thing really. I can't remember who's been erased already, but then that's the point!

All those who sent in videos for the Concubine application, I'll be in touch about in person interviews with those of you who made the grades. Those who didn't, please enjoy the complimentary fruit baskets that were sent out.

That's about it. Get moving people cause here comes the snow!

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Present storm conclusion

**Tap Tap**

Ladies & Gentlemen, Friends, Future Test Subjects, we made it through another one. By we I of course mean you because I've been safe and sound as usual.

By the way, you can thank me and the lab boys for the sudden mild upswing in the temperature. Mid storm they were able to get the Weather Control Machine working again and voila, that snow turned to rain before the things could get completely buried. The Machine is humming nicely and we should be able to keep this up for a couple of days at least.

As always, you're continued and mandatory looting contributions are appreciated, we've collected enough this time to give the lab boys a bonus and expand the BBQ pit, can fit a whole pig in there now!

Also, I have to acknowledge the work put in by Stan in the accounting department, he was the one who came up with the 5% increase on your loot n' plunder. He's got a sharp mind there! Good  ambitions, that was management level thinking. He'll go places... just not here. There's only room for one man in charge around here and that's me! Stan, you're fired!

There, now that's out of the way I've got important things to get to, that pig needs basting and tasting. Oh and before I go, I've got the henchman's list narrowed down and I'm almost ready to start interviews. Those who applied for the Concubine positions, I'll be reviewing your audition tapes this week! Looking forward to that!

Until the next storm, I'll be watching!

Friday, February 08, 2013

The Original Storm Rants

November 28th, 2012

For those of you who haven't looked out your nearest window, porthole, portal or magic viewing globe yet, it's snowing. Now you all know what to do but I'm going to go over the basics just as a reminder.

You are to proceed to the nearest gas station and grocery stores (which one first is up to you) and then fill up your car and buy everything on the shelves that you can carry! After all, we're potentially getting 10cms here, that's an Armageddon waiting to happen and we can't let the world end with fully stocked grocery stores and only a half tank of gas.

Oh and for those ladies choosing to celebrate this snow by going downtown, the normal dress code of a too-short skirt and tank/tube top is still in effect, no matter the temperature or snowfall accumulation.

November 28th, 2012

*tap* *tap* This thing on?

Steve here again, looks like we got a tad more snow than expected, lab boys tell me the new weather control machine is working better than they expected. In this case I'm not sure that overachieving was something to be proud of, but they tell me it's a good thing.

Now, that being said, I also have a report that although accidents are up, panic and general looting are at an all time low. Come on people! We can't have a proper snowpocalypse without some good old fashioned looting. I blame myself really. Actually no, I blame Gary, that new kid in the PR department. He's now fired. You hear me mister? Yes, you. Fired. Box. Your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye.

Oh well, call this a test run and chalk it up as experience. We'll have to try and do better next time.

For those ladies still heading downtown, you'll want to add a pair of stilettos that you can barely walk in to the standard outfit mentioned earlier.

and finally, the lab boys tell me that you just lost the game.

November 29th, 2012
Steve here again

Now I know yesterday we ran through a test of the Snowpocalypse emergency measures and the gas and grocery hoarding went well, but now we have a problem. As per that guy Gary from PR's request, who I fired I might add, I complained that there was a severe lack of looting and some of you took a unique approach to improve the numbers.

People, when you're looting and pillaging you never want to damage your water supply. It makes things worse for everyone. We can't enjoy our ill gotten booty if we can't shower or flush a toilet. Granted I know there are a lot of uber-nerd shut ins out there who will debate the need for showering, but those basement dwellers are wrong. Just because you don't leave the couch, there's no reason to stink out the room with B.O. I'd fire 'em all if I could, but they don't work for me, though I'm always in need of test subjects. I'll have to remember that for later.

Anyway, the main point is, conserve the water you currently have until this fiasco is fixed. The Lab boys tell me they are working on a way to suck the moisture from ducks as an alternate emergency water source, but there are only so many ducks to go around.

And remember, this was all that guy Gary's fault. Whom I fired. Yesterday.

Your Overlord demands your attention!

**Tap Tap**

Ahem... Can I have your attention please.

People I've been trying, I really have. Now I know that you think all I do is lounge around all day in my bunker, enjoying the sauna, the hot tub, the 24 hour all you can eat BBQ pit, movie theatre, bowling alley and fully licensed casino. Well... you're right, I do! I also set aside time to frolic in my money pit! Yes I have an actual swimming pool filled with money!

But aside from all that, we actually do serious, scientific work out here for the betterment of mankind! and by "mankind" I of course mean me! But ever since we set out to bend mother nature to our will with the Weather Control Machine, the only consistent results I've seen is a migraine! Oh and the most delicious waffles I have ever tasted.

Now the good news so far has been that the Lab Boys were able to coax enough life out of the machine that the last weather event was reduced in intensity, the only thing we couldn't correct were the winds. The bad news is that all the fiddling and bypassing we've had to do has left he machine as a shattered wreck. Seriously, it's lit up like a Christmas Tree and sounds like a Pinball Machine on Tilt! Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure parts of it started out in a Pinball Machine... lousy Acme catalogue...

Anyway, point is we're now facing another "Weather event" as I have come to term them. Actually it was two events but it looks like our attempts to stop them has actually merged two storm fronts into one. Bottom line, we're gonna get hit and hit hard! Of course by "we" I mean you people, because I'll still be safely tucked away here in my bunker!

Now, we have managed to get the machine to give us some decent weather for the rest of today for your pre-storm pillaging. Those grocery stores and gas stations aren't going to empty themselves people! Oh and the liquor stores, I can't stress the importance of the liquor stores enough!

The collection bots will be making their usual rounds, though due to rising repair costs for the weather machines, I've had to increase your mandatory looting donations to 30%. I know it's a bit of a hike but it's needed if I'm going to add on that loung... I mean get that new machine built! For Science!

Before I forget, ladies there has been a change made to the dress code for those of you heading downtown tomorrow night. Because of impending snow piles and drifts, the usual stilettos have been replaced with knee high or above boots to protect your legs, providing of course the heel is still 4-6 inches on those puppies.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go meet the new lab team. Those of you who applied for the Henchmen positions, I'm still going over applications and calling references, the ones you say survived!

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

A message from Steve Johnson, your Overlord.

**Tap Tap**

Ok people, we have a problem. The waffle maker is on the fritz... I mean the weather control machine... My astrologist says it's Karma for forcing Mother Nature to give us some good weather. I say that's what you get for hiring lab techs from Craigslist. Voodoo priestess my ass, next time I'm going with some good, reliable Druids!

Well, with the machine out of commission again we're facing another storm, or as I like to call it a "weather event." Now some of you more enthusiastic pillagers out there got the jump on this with those incidents with the power and it's appreciated, but don't get ahead of yourselves here. Start with supplies, I have heard that the grocery store clean outs have gone ahead as normal and the liquor stores aren't that far behind. Good instincts people! The alcohol will help keep you warm and able to ignore the cold and make the people you get snowed in with more attractive! Also it will give you a confidence boost and make you feel more self important! Almost as important as me!

I'll be overseeing things as usual from my state of the art, and tasteful, though lavishly decorated, bunker. I wish I could be out there with you, well no, I don't. I'm perfectly happy here safe and sound. But I'll be rooting for you all, and by you I of course mean me! After all, someone has to direct the looting and collect the booty and it might as well be me!

The automated collection bots will be out in force hounding your every move... I mean monitoring the looting situation for me. The usual 25% will be given over to the robots. Seriously people, don't mess with the robots! The last few individuals that did were reduced to a kind of lumpy goo, we needed DNA testing to even identify the puddles as human! Efficient little buggers I tell you!

Maybe I shouldn't have turned them loose on the lab team that created them! Oh well, live and learn as they say. That reminds me I'm currently looking for new minion... I mean Lab Technicians! Maybe I'll try that kijithingamajiggy this time.

Anyway, I'm going to go prep the robots and check the champagne levels in my hot tub. Have fun!

Sunday, February 03, 2013

Radio Follies

This was going to be a Facebook status, but I figured it would be too long to post there. I reserve long winded statuses for my Cave Johnson storm rants.

The CRTC broadcast standards are funny, fickle things. In the case of music on the radio, it seems to apply to some songs but not others. Now I don't mean whether or not a song should be played, in this instance I mean what is and is not censored in songs for airplay.