Ahem... Can I have your attention please.
People I've been trying, I really have. Now I know that you think all I do is lounge around all day in my bunker, enjoying the sauna, the hot tub, the 24 hour all you can eat BBQ pit, movie theatre, bowling alley and fully licensed casino. Well... you're right, I do! I also set aside time to frolic in my money pit! Yes I have an actual swimming pool filled with money!
But aside from all that, we actually do serious, scientific work out here for the betterment of mankind! and by "mankind" I of course mean me! But ever since we set out to bend mother nature to our will with the Weather Control Machine, the only consistent results I've seen is a migraine! Oh and the most delicious waffles I have ever tasted.
Now the good news so far has been that the Lab Boys were able to coax enough life out of the machine that the last weather event was reduced in intensity, the only thing we couldn't correct were the winds. The bad news is that all the fiddling and bypassing we've had to do has left he machine as a shattered wreck. Seriously, it's lit up like a Christmas Tree and sounds like a Pinball Machine on Tilt! Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure parts of it started out in a Pinball Machine... lousy Acme catalogue...
Anyway, point is we're now facing another "Weather event" as I have come to term them. Actually it was two events but it looks like our attempts to stop them has actually merged two storm fronts into one. Bottom line, we're gonna get hit and hit hard! Of course by "we" I mean you people, because I'll still be safely tucked away here in my bunker!
Now, we have managed to get the machine to give us some decent weather for the rest of today for your pre-storm pillaging. Those grocery stores and gas stations aren't going to empty themselves people! Oh and the liquor stores, I can't stress the importance of the liquor stores enough!
The collection bots will be making their usual rounds, though due to rising repair costs for the weather machines, I've had to increase your mandatory looting donations to 30%. I know it's a bit of a hike but it's needed if I'm going to add on that loung... I mean get that new machine built! For Science!
Before I forget, ladies there has been a change made to the dress code for those of you heading downtown tomorrow night. Because of impending snow piles and drifts, the usual stilettos have been replaced with knee high or above boots to protect your legs, providing of course the heel is still 4-6 inches on those puppies.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go meet the new lab team. Those of you who applied for the Henchmen positions, I'm still going over applications and calling references, the ones you say survived!