Thursday, March 03, 2016

Advanced Warning For Once!

*There! You see that. It's an "On Air" sign. Simple and effective, when it's off, I'm not broadcasting, when it's on, I'm live. Classic design, white background and red lettering. It all lights up nicely, see. Wait, it's been on this whole... dammit!*

My friends, you may have noticed a change in the weather here on the East Coast lately. I'd just like to say, you're welcome. Now I'm not saying we've won the war against Mother Nature and her cohort Jack Frost, but I will say that the Weather Machine 3.0™ has been a huge success.

How does it work you might ask? Well, lab boys tell me it's a lot like a slow cooker, cooking a pork roast until it's fork tender and falls apart. So succulent in the barbeque sauce... mmmm pulled pork... *Ahem* where was I... Right, slow cooker and the new Weather Machine 3.0™! They slowly ramped it up to change things without Mother Nature noticing. Snuck it past her. They say it's science, but I'm suspicious about the number of slow cooker acquisition forms I've seen... probably just my imagination.

Anyway, as much as I enjoy your unquestioning adoration for the technological and scientific marvels I produce and take credit for, we have to take it all offline this weekend. I asked why and one of the lab boys mumbled something about steak tips and ribs... anywho I'm sure it's scientific in nature and in no way has to do with food.

As such with these maintenance windows, there is the possibility of a weather event on Saturday, and I'm giving you ample notice, unlike that lab guy who got no notice of his termination before the trap door to the lava pit opened under his chair.

Now then, let's all prepare ourselves shall we? Of course by "we" I mean all of you. Raid those grocery stores, empty the shelves. Drain all the gas stations of their precious fuels. Also, make a damn fine showing depleting the stock in the liquor stores. I know it's a lot to ask, hoping Newfoundlanders and Labradorians to drink, but I have faith in me... I mean you. I mean me.

For those of you that will undoubtedly head downtown in the face of this weather event remember; more is less.

The more snow, the less you wear.

As always, the Collection Bots™ will be roaming the city, taking my cut of your Loot 'n Plundering. As well, Joey Knuckles and the brute squad, I mean my henchmen, I mean security forces, will be patrolling the streets to maintain order. My order for more loot!

Those of you that survive, congratulations. Those of you who don’t will be future test subjects in my reanimation projects.

We're done here.

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