Wednesday, January 07, 2015

I'm back and doesn't it feel good!

*Tap Tap* *Tap Tap*

 This thing on? 

 It's been a while since I've used this equipment, does it even still work? 

 Friends, Newfoundlanders, Test Subjects, lend me your ears!


 What the? Eww! Jeez, I didn't mean literally. You're fired mister! 

 Also, get someone from legal on patenting detachable ears!

 Now that's out of the way, let's get to the meat and potatoes of my message today.  I know I've been away for a while, longer than I wanted to be but that's the chance you take with dimension hopping like I've been doing. Also, the last post from me was actually from an impostor, another me from another dimension. Handsome devil, but nothing like the definite article.

 Anyway, after conquering a world, liberating a world and discovering a cure for the common man, I've returned to my proper dimension and time... I think. Yeah, this is the right place. What did I find when I got back? Go ahead, guess. I'll wait...

 Alright, enough waiting. I found a malfunctioning Weather Control Machine, an empty science division and a really nice pair of bunny slippers... so comfy... anyway, the point is, the machine is on the fritz and I'm still trying to replace the egg heads who built it with some new egg heads who can fix it.

 In the meantime, the new lab boys tell me that we're headed for a significant weather event and there's no stopping it. Time to hunker down, we're getting buried people!

 But, before you all start hunkering, remember the basics. Get to those grocery stores! Get to those gas stations! You have to clear those places out! Pick them clean! Leave no loaf of bread unbought, no station reserve filled.

 The looting and pillaging will be expected as normal and the new and improved collection bots will be making their rounds. They've got increased carrying capacity and a new weapons system that will let them liquify dissidents and convert them to fuel. Not a pleasant process I can assure you, our testing was meticulous and the screams were... anyway, you won't need to worry about that as long as you all comply, and I know you won't let me down.

 We'll all get through this I'm sure and the machine will be fixed in no time. 

 Before I go conduct the rest of my science guy interviews, I'd also like to congratulate Joey Knuckles on maintaining discipline and order around here. Paddy for keeping Joey under control and Kei Kei for keeping the girls in the harem satisfied.

 We're done here people. 

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