Sunday, March 15, 2015

St. Paddy's Snowfall

*Tap Tap* This thing on? You still didn't put in that light to tell me if this is on or off you good for nothing… Oh! What?! Dammit not again!


Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, androgynous test subjects of all pay scales… We’re having a bit of a problem. See, the Weather Machine™ has been working like a dream. Yes it has been cold, but here on the East Coast at least, we haven’t had that bad a time of things as far as snow has gone. I haven’t been able to stop it all, but I have at least been able to convert it to rain most of the time and gotten rid of a lot of it.

Now there’s this weather event building that I’m at a loss to stop. Lab boys tell me the machine is still up to spec, but something is interfering with operations. First I thought it was Mother Nature again, because she doesn't like my work for some reason… I’ll give you contrary to natural order you mythical … *ahem* anyway. Point is, we’re about to get buried.

They’re calling it Sheila’s Brush again! Now I thought I took care of this when I fired Sheila and confiscated her secret, hand held, bush weather machine contraption. So I checked with HR and found out that there were no less than 64 women named Sheila on the payroll. How the hell does that happen? I asked myself.  Well I didn't know, so I asked the head of HR. Turns out his assistant Patrick is Australian, so he calls every woman ‘Sheila.’ The rest of HR calls them ‘Paddy’s Batch’ as kind of a joke. It might also explain the 17 guys called Bruce that we've got here…

I was left with only one option, I fired Patrick and seized all property on site from the Sheilas, but I still haven’t gotten to the bottom of this. If it’s not them, and it’s not Mother Nature, then it has to be Old Man Winter getting in one more kick before he checks out for the season. What technology he’s using now, I don’t know but I've got some new eggheads looking into it. The old eggheads are looking into the lava pit.

That said, the same rules apply, though there’s not much time to enact them now. Get out to those grocery stores for some last minute pillaging and stop for a top off at a gas station and then another gas station before you get home to top up what you burned between gas stations.

The collection bots will be out in force once the general looting and plundering beings, remember your expected contributions and above all, don’t taunt the collection bots. That could get messy, they have no mercy… why would anyone program a death machine with mercy anyway?..

Good luck out there, I’ll be thinking of you, or at least your expected tithes, as I sit in the steam grotto of my harem.

We’re done here.

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