Thursday, January 10, 2013

More Cave Johnson inspired goodness!

*tap tap* Testing, testing. Good!


Alright people this is it. As of about 4:15 this afternoon, the weather control machine failed and the mother of all storms moved in and stalled over us. Lab boys tell me that the machine is toast, or only good now for making toast, something toasty... anyway the point is we have to dig in a take this storm seriously.

Now the airport is already closed and the ferries are tied up so there are officially no ways off the island. This is important because it directly affects any and all storm based looting that you are considering doing.

First thing to consider is looting transportation. You don't want to use a motor vehicle as the roads are obviously treacherous. You don't want to use an ATV or a Ski-doo as the engine noise will draw unwanted attention to your looting. The best things to use are snowshoes, skis and dogsleds, just be sure the dogs are wearing muzzles to minimize barking.

Secondly, don't carry more than you are capable of, you'll look ridiculous running on foot with three LCD TVs on your back and you'll tire quickly. This brings us back to transportation. You'll have a giant backpack if using snowshoes, you can drag a sled or container behind you if you are skiing and in the case of a dogsled, you can load that sucker down with almost anything.

Fourth... No wait! Thirdly! Use your radio/smartphone/computers to monitor power outages. These are the most important things to consider when looting, in fact this is now First! Read the rest of this and then go back and read the other two! You don't want to loot a place that has power because if the power is on then so are the security cameras and well, having your face or neon pink, fox racing ski-doo suit plastered all over the news later is going to put a damper on your enjoyment of the ill gotten booty.

Fourth, yes that's right now, fourth. 25% of all your looting gains come directly to me, Steve Johnson, so I can continue my research here at Styleature Science & Waffle-house. The Waffle idea is new, had to make budget somehow and that's why your contributions are mandatory!

In closing, Good Luck, God speed and remember, if you get arrested, I don't know you!

*The preceding is a parody and was meant as a joke commentary. I do not endorse looting or any illegal activities in any way*

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