*Tap Tap*
Is this thing on? Testing One-Two, Testing!
*Ahem*
Ladies and Gentletestsubjects, it's good to be back!
You may have noticed my absence these past few weeks, I have been away on an adventure your mortal brains couldn't begin to comprehend! After fixing the issues from the last power failure, the Lab Boys discovered an impressive side effect and we had a breakthrough. What I mean by that is, shorting out the cyclotron caused an actual breakthrough to another dimension! Well, several actually, so naturally when the first sucker... I mean test pilot came back breathing I decided that the best person to see the potential wonders of another reality was me! For Science!
So I've been dimension jumping, leaping from place to place, hoping each time that the next leap, would be the leap home... Wait! That was the plot to Quantum Leap! No, I've been walking back and forth through dimensional gates as easy as a normal person walks through a door. It's kinda tingly actually, with a popcorn aftertaste for some reason... anyway! Point is, I've been away exploring and I've seen some amazing places. There's the land of perpetual Wednesday, got stuck there for a few days, didn't notice what was happening. Then there's the crazy melty land and the world without shrimp. Those are just the tip of the trans dimensional iceberg!
Speaking of ice and such, I see the Weather Control Machine™ is finally working right, at least over the capital city! That last weather event was a nasty one and had the potential to completely ruin last weekend, or so the report told me. As we discovered with Weather Control Machine 2.0™ we can't totally eliminate precipitation, but we can convert snow to rain to make it less of a hassle. Turns out there is some truth to cosmic karma after all... lousy balancing of nature... Lab Boys are working on that though.
So now that things are humming along nicely and seem to be under control, at least that's what Joey Knuckles tells me, I'm going to take a couple of months and keep exploring these new dimensions and claim them in my name! So many possibilities and so many versions of me to leave in charge! Yes there are other versions of myself and other versions of the Bunker© and even a few where there was no bunker! Well I couldn't have that, so there are now! None of them have made the dimensional breakthrough though, so I'm the link between it all and I'm willing to guide the other me's to it and share our technologies between us all. For Science!
I should be back in September or October with all sorts of new doodads and whatchamacallits to amaze and astound you all!
Until then, I'm Steve Johnson, we're done here!
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Powerful Possibilities
**Tap Tap**
Could I have your attention please!
Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends, Minions, Test Subjects... et al, I'd like to apologize for this mornings incidents with the electricity. Call this a lesson learned, never plug a blender into the same extension cord as your cyclotron!
We thought first it was just a blown circuit here in the bunker, turns out we blew out most of the island!
Rest assured the problem is being corrected, I've assigned a team to help with repairs and I've fired Lou from janitorial for using an unauthorized blender on company time.
Some good news though, what crawled out of the cyclotron after the blow out seems to be a new form of life, and it's friendly! Well... it was... as with all new discoveries, it was immediately euthanized and sent to the lab for dissection and study! Lab Boys tell me it will be very informative and beneficial to humanity and by that I mean me!
So to sum up, sorry again for the power issues, Lou is fired and new life was found here and killed before it became a threat!
Until next time.
Could I have your attention please!
Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends, Minions, Test Subjects... et al, I'd like to apologize for this mornings incidents with the electricity. Call this a lesson learned, never plug a blender into the same extension cord as your cyclotron!
We thought first it was just a blown circuit here in the bunker, turns out we blew out most of the island!
Rest assured the problem is being corrected, I've assigned a team to help with repairs and I've fired Lou from janitorial for using an unauthorized blender on company time.
Some good news though, what crawled out of the cyclotron after the blow out seems to be a new form of life, and it's friendly! Well... it was... as with all new discoveries, it was immediately euthanized and sent to the lab for dissection and study! Lab Boys tell me it will be very informative and beneficial to humanity and by that I mean me!
So to sum up, sorry again for the power issues, Lou is fired and new life was found here and killed before it became a threat!
Until next time.
Wednesday, April 03, 2013
More Hotel Hauntings
Well the resident ghost is still in the hotel and he's more active than ever it seems. There have been stories that I've gotten from some of the other staff that they'd heard things before, but that was long before my sighting that I posted about previously. This past week, two members of staff reported things happening.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Mid Week Tinkering
**Tap Tap**
Ladies and Gentlemen, friends, colleagues, assorted test subjects and minions.
I have to apologize for the drastic reversal of weather fortunes this morning. It seems Bruce, formally of the applied sciences department before I fired him this morning, was messing around with the Weather Control Machine 3.0 and ended up reversing the polarity of the neutron flow in the flux capacitor. At least I think that's what the egghead who replaced him said, it was technobabble. Might have been speaking Libyan for all I know... It's all Greek to me...
Anyway, don't panic, looting shouldn't be needed, though it is appreciated. I've got a team on this and we should have the parts replaced and things back under my control this afternoon. Tomorrow at the latest.
Ladies and Gentlemen, friends, colleagues, assorted test subjects and minions.
I have to apologize for the drastic reversal of weather fortunes this morning. It seems Bruce, formally of the applied sciences department before I fired him this morning, was messing around with the Weather Control Machine 3.0 and ended up reversing the polarity of the neutron flow in the flux capacitor. At least I think that's what the egghead who replaced him said, it was technobabble. Might have been speaking Libyan for all I know... It's all Greek to me...
Anyway, don't panic, looting shouldn't be needed, though it is appreciated. I've got a team on this and we should have the parts replaced and things back under my control this afternoon. Tomorrow at the latest.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Some updates on the Weather Machine
**Tap Tap**
Could I have your attention please!?
All of you may have noticed the recent upswing in the temperature and overall weather lately. Some people call it "spring." I call it, Weather Control Machine 3.0 and it's the best one we've had yet, well since the last one blew up anyway. The first one is still making excellent waffles as well, have to market those things soon. We will as soon as the marketing team stop trying to remove their explosive collars and get back to work!
Anyway...
This week though has been a little wonky, sun one minute and snow the next. The new lab team have assured me that it's just the result of routine maintenance on the machine and that everything should be back to normal soon, or at least what I'm enforcing as my vision of normal. They wouldn't lie to me, they know that I control the button that would release the lab floor and drop them into the lava pit!
Part of this maintenance however means that we have to shut the machine down for a few hours. That will be done this evening but will only be for a few hours. In that time, there is every possibility of a "weather event" forming over us. Don't worry, it won't be too bad, though it will be a little breezy. We'll do our best to have things change to rain by the morning to clean things up a bit. By our best I of course mean the Lab team, their futures are riding on this and I know they won't let me down!
I've also heard some talk that the weather patterns were a result of something called "Sheila's Brush." Well I did some checking around The Bunker™ and found Sheila in the R&D Department. She'd been working on a pocket weather control device on company time! Well that won't be continuing as the so called "brush" has been destroyed and she's been fired! Personal work on my time? I don't think so! Also to show that I run an organization that believes in equality, I'm also firing Ronald from housekeeping, so there!
So in conclusion, the Weather Machine 3.0 is good, just needs some maintenance, we'll get some weather but it'll be sorted out in short order. Shouldn't even require the normal looting and plundering.
Oh and before I go I'd also like to congratulate Joey Knuckles beating seventeen other men to win the title of "Henchman of the Month!" Seriously, we locked 'em all in a cage and Joey beat all of them into comas! Good work!
Later!
Could I have your attention please!?
All of you may have noticed the recent upswing in the temperature and overall weather lately. Some people call it "spring." I call it, Weather Control Machine 3.0 and it's the best one we've had yet, well since the last one blew up anyway. The first one is still making excellent waffles as well, have to market those things soon. We will as soon as the marketing team stop trying to remove their explosive collars and get back to work!
Anyway...
This week though has been a little wonky, sun one minute and snow the next. The new lab team have assured me that it's just the result of routine maintenance on the machine and that everything should be back to normal soon, or at least what I'm enforcing as my vision of normal. They wouldn't lie to me, they know that I control the button that would release the lab floor and drop them into the lava pit!
Part of this maintenance however means that we have to shut the machine down for a few hours. That will be done this evening but will only be for a few hours. In that time, there is every possibility of a "weather event" forming over us. Don't worry, it won't be too bad, though it will be a little breezy. We'll do our best to have things change to rain by the morning to clean things up a bit. By our best I of course mean the Lab team, their futures are riding on this and I know they won't let me down!
I've also heard some talk that the weather patterns were a result of something called "Sheila's Brush." Well I did some checking around The Bunker™ and found Sheila in the R&D Department. She'd been working on a pocket weather control device on company time! Well that won't be continuing as the so called "brush" has been destroyed and she's been fired! Personal work on my time? I don't think so! Also to show that I run an organization that believes in equality, I'm also firing Ronald from housekeeping, so there!
So in conclusion, the Weather Machine 3.0 is good, just needs some maintenance, we'll get some weather but it'll be sorted out in short order. Shouldn't even require the normal looting and plundering.
Oh and before I go I'd also like to congratulate Joey Knuckles beating seventeen other men to win the title of "Henchman of the Month!" Seriously, we locked 'em all in a cage and Joey beat all of them into comas! Good work!
Later!
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Shadows of the Full Moon
Well I finally finished another project. What I mean by that is I'm finally satisfied with something I finished writing a while ago but have been tweaking ever since. My third short story featuring Ryan and Frank, who I've mentioned before is done, dusted, closed out and sent to my publisher.
Sunday, March 03, 2013
Twisted Wording
inbox
in-box [in-boks]
noun
1. a boxlike tray, basket, or the like, as on a desk, for holding incoming mail, messages, or work.
2. Computers. a folder for receiving and storing incoming e-mails or text messages.
A Noun is a person, place, or object.
A Verb is an action word.
You cannot change a Noun into a Verb. You can Verb a Noun, you cannot Noun a Verb.
It would sound pretty ridiculous if I asked someone to "countertop me a sandwich"
It's equally as ridiculous when someone asks us to "inbox me."
There is no way for me to do that, that's not an action. I can no more "inbox" someone than I can "jigsaw puzzle" them.
Now if you'll excuse me I'll get off this soapbox I've been velociraptor on.
in-box [in-boks]
noun
1. a boxlike tray, basket, or the like, as on a desk, for holding incoming mail, messages, or work.
2. Computers. a folder for receiving and storing incoming e-mails or text messages.
A Noun is a person, place, or object.
A Verb is an action word.
You cannot change a Noun into a Verb. You can Verb a Noun, you cannot Noun a Verb.
It would sound pretty ridiculous if I asked someone to "countertop me a sandwich"
It's equally as ridiculous when someone asks us to "inbox me."
There is no way for me to do that, that's not an action. I can no more "inbox" someone than I can "jigsaw puzzle" them.
Now if you'll excuse me I'll get off this soapbox I've been velociraptor on.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
That darn Weather Machine
**Tap Tap**
Check 1-2 Check 1-2
Someone once said "No good deed ever goes unpunished." Then I fired them! This bunker is no place for that kind of negativity! We're working on world changing technology here and there's no room for naysayers!
Now that I've got that off my chest, there's a problem with some of that world changing technology. Honestly, I don't know what it's going to take with this Weather Control Machine. Am I asking too much here really? I just want perfect temperate weather year round, not too cold and not so hot that I need air conditioning to sleep at night. I think that's fair, but apparently Mother Nature has some other ideas, just because we happen to be in the middle of the North Atlantic!
The second machine has been working near perfectly, up until now that is... It went down this morning faster than Blackberry's stock options. When I woke up I thought it had finally succeeded and we had the best and brightest sunrise I'd ever seen. Then I remembered, I'm underground and there are no windows! Turns out it was the light from one of the most spectacular explosions that the lab boys have ever seen. At least that's what the survivors said!
Not even the option to turn it into WaffleMate 2.0™ here people. It's a smouldering pile of rubble that's being pushed into the lava flow as we speak.
Now this presents a problem that we're all familiar with and we're ready to face at any time. That of course is "where to put all the groceries that I'm going to blindly buy." No, actually it means we're facing another Weather Event. This one is a doozy to, you know it's serious when I'm using the word doozy! This one is not your typical event either.
This is a big one. It's not the typical drive by style event, where we get a lot of snow in a short amount of time. No this thing is going to hang around and we're going to get a decent amount of snow over a longer period of time. Seriously, this is going to feel longer than my third marriage and that felt like an eternity!
The residual effects of the Weather Machine will be felt for the rest of the day and into the evening, but then things are gonna degenerate quickly. So take the time you have left to overfill your gas tank with gas and your trunk, backseat, glove box with all the groceries you can carry. Then get more! After all, you could be stuck in your home for up to a day and that'll be terrible! Oh, and the Liquor Stores, we all need liquor!
When the looting starts, be on the lookout for the collection bots! Come to think of it, they're the most reliable things I've ever had invented for me! The standard 30% mandatory donation applies and I can't stress enough, don't taunt the bots! Seriously people, ground beef has more consistency than what these things leave behind!
As always, I'll be here cheering for you, and by that I mean me! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to do some quality checks in the harem!
Check 1-2 Check 1-2
Someone once said "No good deed ever goes unpunished." Then I fired them! This bunker is no place for that kind of negativity! We're working on world changing technology here and there's no room for naysayers!
Now that I've got that off my chest, there's a problem with some of that world changing technology. Honestly, I don't know what it's going to take with this Weather Control Machine. Am I asking too much here really? I just want perfect temperate weather year round, not too cold and not so hot that I need air conditioning to sleep at night. I think that's fair, but apparently Mother Nature has some other ideas, just because we happen to be in the middle of the North Atlantic!
The second machine has been working near perfectly, up until now that is... It went down this morning faster than Blackberry's stock options. When I woke up I thought it had finally succeeded and we had the best and brightest sunrise I'd ever seen. Then I remembered, I'm underground and there are no windows! Turns out it was the light from one of the most spectacular explosions that the lab boys have ever seen. At least that's what the survivors said!
Not even the option to turn it into WaffleMate 2.0™ here people. It's a smouldering pile of rubble that's being pushed into the lava flow as we speak.
Now this presents a problem that we're all familiar with and we're ready to face at any time. That of course is "where to put all the groceries that I'm going to blindly buy." No, actually it means we're facing another Weather Event. This one is a doozy to, you know it's serious when I'm using the word doozy! This one is not your typical event either.
This is a big one. It's not the typical drive by style event, where we get a lot of snow in a short amount of time. No this thing is going to hang around and we're going to get a decent amount of snow over a longer period of time. Seriously, this is going to feel longer than my third marriage and that felt like an eternity!
The residual effects of the Weather Machine will be felt for the rest of the day and into the evening, but then things are gonna degenerate quickly. So take the time you have left to overfill your gas tank with gas and your trunk, backseat, glove box with all the groceries you can carry. Then get more! After all, you could be stuck in your home for up to a day and that'll be terrible! Oh, and the Liquor Stores, we all need liquor!
When the looting starts, be on the lookout for the collection bots! Come to think of it, they're the most reliable things I've ever had invented for me! The standard 30% mandatory donation applies and I can't stress enough, don't taunt the bots! Seriously people, ground beef has more consistency than what these things leave behind!
As always, I'll be here cheering for you, and by that I mean me! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to do some quality checks in the harem!
Sunday, February 17, 2013
A Message From Your Benafactor!
**Tap Tap**
Could I have everyone's attention for a few moments please, I have some announcements. You! The one in the kitchen wondering where my voice is coming from! Get your car key our of your ear and listen up!
I'd like to say that I am still blown away by the level of loot and by extension of that loot, the appreciation you people showed me during the last surprise "weather event." I can't thank you all enough and as a show of my gratitude, I've had the Lab Boys working overtime, tweaking the settings on the Weather Control Machine to try and eliminate the next "weather event."
There was some confusion all this past week as to how much of a dumping on we were going to get. The two weather outlets couldn't seem to agree with each other on their estimates. Now, don't be so quick to blame either of them for not being accurate, they could only go by the information I gave to each one of them! Yes, I had a little evil fun there, I admit it!
Good news though! We have succeeded in reducing what was supposed to happen today from an intense event to a light dusting, followed by some rain and drizzle later tonight. The Lab Boys even tell me that they might be able to coax a little more performance out of the machine to lessen things further and I believe them. Well, those that are still here. Their enthusiasm for it shot up after the first four of the team went into the lava pool. It's all about how you motivate your team!
Now, I have some notes of congratulations to pass along. I'd like to welcome aboard some new members to the Bunker's team.
First, please welcome our new Chief of Henchmen, Paddy Druken. You'll be working with my personal security guard, Joey "Knuckles" Washington, on overall Bunker security and training of new henchmen.
Second, please welcome our new Mistress of The Harem, KeiKei de Murre. You'll be in charge of all the Concubines and managing their day to day duties. From the performance in your interview, I know you can "whip" those ladies into shape in no time!
That's about it for now people, keep up the good looting and I'll keep working to make things better for us all. And by that I naturally mean Me!
Could I have everyone's attention for a few moments please, I have some announcements. You! The one in the kitchen wondering where my voice is coming from! Get your car key our of your ear and listen up!
I'd like to say that I am still blown away by the level of loot and by extension of that loot, the appreciation you people showed me during the last surprise "weather event." I can't thank you all enough and as a show of my gratitude, I've had the Lab Boys working overtime, tweaking the settings on the Weather Control Machine to try and eliminate the next "weather event."
There was some confusion all this past week as to how much of a dumping on we were going to get. The two weather outlets couldn't seem to agree with each other on their estimates. Now, don't be so quick to blame either of them for not being accurate, they could only go by the information I gave to each one of them! Yes, I had a little evil fun there, I admit it!
Good news though! We have succeeded in reducing what was supposed to happen today from an intense event to a light dusting, followed by some rain and drizzle later tonight. The Lab Boys even tell me that they might be able to coax a little more performance out of the machine to lessen things further and I believe them. Well, those that are still here. Their enthusiasm for it shot up after the first four of the team went into the lava pool. It's all about how you motivate your team!
Now, I have some notes of congratulations to pass along. I'd like to welcome aboard some new members to the Bunker's team.
First, please welcome our new Chief of Henchmen, Paddy Druken. You'll be working with my personal security guard, Joey "Knuckles" Washington, on overall Bunker security and training of new henchmen.
Second, please welcome our new Mistress of The Harem, KeiKei de Murre. You'll be in charge of all the Concubines and managing their day to day duties. From the performance in your interview, I know you can "whip" those ladies into shape in no time!
That's about it for now people, keep up the good looting and I'll keep working to make things better for us all. And by that I naturally mean Me!
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Customer Disservice Part Deux: The McRant
I don't eat take out much anymore. Maybe once or twice a week I will treat myself to something. But sometimes you just get a craving, y'know?
Tonight was one of those nights. I work overnights so I live a reverse day. Evening is my morning, Midnight I get to work, 4am is lunchtime, and so on. Tonight I really wanted a burger, some fries, no big. Just a little grease as a treat for my lunch. That being the case I paid a call on one of my local McDonald's restaurants, since they are the only burger joint in St. John's open 24 hours.
Tonight was one of those nights. I work overnights so I live a reverse day. Evening is my morning, Midnight I get to work, 4am is lunchtime, and so on. Tonight I really wanted a burger, some fries, no big. Just a little grease as a treat for my lunch. That being the case I paid a call on one of my local McDonald's restaurants, since they are the only burger joint in St. John's open 24 hours.
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